Ladies and Gents, this is the last chapter.  Let’s sit back and think for a minute about what our climax involves.  The plot, if we can call it as much, has revolved around one thing: Clary’s mom is missing.  That has been the only thing consistent through this book, and it’s been a pretty weak thread.  Other things have come and gone, but Clary’s mom has always been missing.  We’re now heading into the final chapter, and Clary’s mom is no longer missing.  So what’s left for our big climax?  Daddy issues.  Seriously, that’s what we’ve got going into this.  Fucking daddy issues.

So, apparently Jace is now all meek, respectful, and ‘yes, sir/no, sir’ to Valentine, because as we all know, getting a new daddy means you get a new personality, too.  They stand around and talk about Clary’s dagger, which Jace snatches away from her and keeps. 

So they banter some more, and Clary comes to the conclusion that Valentine knows he’s her daddy.  She then decides that he’s not saying anything, because that would make the hug Clary and Jace shared incest.  And…and this is an actual dramatic point.  This is what the book thinks counts as tension.  This is what the book thinks I give a fuck about.  I’m supposed to be biting my nails, trying to guess whether or not Valentine will spill the beans about something that makes fuck-all difference. 

God damnit, book, if you’re going to ignore Jocelyn chained to a bed for the climax, then can we at least go outside with all the wolves that are currently still fighting and dying.

Clary tries to argue that Jace can’t possibly be Valentine’s kid, because he has a ring from Mr. Wayland.  And as we all know, people are born with rings, they can’t be given by other people that aren’t your family.

Oh, wait, the books gets even stupider.

“The ring. Funny, isn’t it, how an M worn upside down resembles a W?”

I guess we are going with the idea that rings can’t be worn by someone of a different family.  Are these magic rings?  (Also, they may resemble each other, but I have never been confused about the difference between an M and a W, even upside down.)

Oh, good god, they’re still talking.  About bullshit.  Apparently Valentine is trying to convince Clary that he’s a good guy.  And he’s doing this because…?  No, really, I’m flummoxed.  I have no idea what the point of this conversation is.  Do they need Clary on their side for some reason?  Is there some point to any of this talking?  Some goal to be accomplished that can only be done by bantering with a 16 year-old?

Valentine has the cup and his son.  If he wants a little daughter, too, he can chain her to the bed until she’s brainwashed into liking him.  He has no reason to stand here talking.  Clary found her mother but can’t do anything about it.  She has a wolf army outside and the guy keeping her mom hostage in front of her.  She shouldn’t give a flying rats ass what this guy has to say. 

WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY STILL TALKING?

THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER OF THE BOOK!  GIVE ME SOME ACTION!

Guess what the next great reveal is?  Clary is in love with Jace.  Because, yeah, that’s the real important point right here.  That’s really what I care about right now.  Also, Jace is really ‘Jonathan Christopher,’ which means he’s Clary’s full brother, not half-brother.

…Clary has bright red hair.  Jace has light blond hair.  Unless magic genes are involved, those two did not have the same parents.

So Valentine tells Jace that Clary is his sister, and I just still don’t give a fuck.  Why does this book think I care?  We’ve got an evil overlord with a child-army-creating-cup, a pack of shapeshifter wolves fighting giant zombies, and a plot device chained to a bed.  There’s enough stuff here to make a badass final chapter, and we’re seriously still mired down in daddy issues and “oh, no, I kissed my sister!”  Uhg.

Blah blah blah, more incest angst.  I might care a bit more if they had known each other for more than a handful of days.  And if Jace wasn’t a complete asshat.

Turns out that Valentine pretended to be Michael Wayland and really did raise Jace.  Alright, that makes Jace’s deference a little more understandable.  Then Valentine staged his own death right in front of his son, because apparently in this world no one cares about a little emotional scaring that comes from watching your father get murdered.

And…so?  No part of this story materially contradicts what we knew before.  The story about the big fight?  The bit where Valentine is Murder McStab-Stab?  All still there.  But they move on as if raising Jace (poorly) means all that other stuff is cool.

Finally, Luke shows up!  Covered in blood and crashing around!  Yay, Luke, give us some action!  Stab that fuckwad!  Do it!  Do it!

…or just stand there and talk some more.  God, damnit, book.

They yell at each other for a while, and it’s the slightly more wordy version of “You’re stupid”  “Nuh-uh, you’re stupider” “Well, you’re stupidest, and also I’m going to stab you.”  And for once, we get to stick around for the actual stabbing.  Only…it sucks.  It’s glossed over with phrases like ‘blur of movement’ and most of the scene is just the two taunting each other over technique.    

Is this book trying to piss me off on purpose?  Is Clare really some sort of evil mastermind, doing a prolonged social experiment on just how bad a body of work can get, so long as it still has a love triangle in it?

Then, in the middle of this, Jace and Clary talk.  Clary tries to convince Jace that their mother didn’t abandon him, she thought he was dead.  And we care about this right now because…?

Luke gets stabbed, then knocked to the floor.  Then, Valentine delivers the slowest killing blow ever.  Seriously, he has the thing raised over his head, and before he can hit Luke with it, Clary has time to make a false start, get stopped by Jace, move around him, throw herself on Luke, and then Jace throws a dagger at Valentine to knock the sword out of the way.  Really, the guy must have been going in slow motion.  With an actual sword swing, Clary would have had about enough time to think “Hey, I should jump on that” and then it would be too late.

“Luke isn’t a monster,” she said in a voice that matched Valentine’s, steel for steel. “Or a murderer. You are.”

You know, except for that last pack leader that he killed for no reason.  But Luke is somehow more human than human, so he’s different?

Jace drags Clary off, in the midst of more fucking talking, and Valentine is taking his own sweet time about killing Luke, because I’m serious, there’s like two pages of Jace and Clary arguing here.  This is boring as fuck.  I just want to see something happen, and something other than pointless family drama. 

Spontaneously, Jace decides to save Luke and goes to fight his father.

“That’s not my name,” he said. “My name is Jace Wayland.”

Valentine’s eyes were still fixed on Jace; he barely seemed to notice the sword at his throat. “Wayland?” he roared. “You have no Wayland blood! Michael Wayland was a stranger to you—”

“So,” said Jace calmly, “are you.”

Hm, I guess they both have a point.  I mean, Valentine is right.  But Jace could easily be identifying with the ideals and thoughts that he had associated with the Wayland heritage, so really, fuck the whole bit, because I do not care, get on with the fucking fight already.

Oh my god, they’re still talking.  I’m going to reach into this book and murder someone myself. 

Luke gets up, because apparently shapeshifters heal fast, and takes the sword from Jace.  I guess he agreed with me about how the fight should just fucking start already.  Oh, or not, because now he’s talking, too. 

GUYS, I’M SERIOUS, THERE IS SO MUCH FUCKING TALKING.

There’s a noise downstairs, like a bunch of someone’s running through the halls.  Luke wants the cup, but Valentine hid it in Idris, so Luke wants to take the portal to Idris.  I have no idea why Valentine isn’t just stabbing the fuck out of Luke right now.  I mean, sure, he’s got a sword.  But he had a sword the last time he got stabbed, too.

The noise arrives!  It’s the wolves!  Alaric shows up just in time to take a knife to the chest that was meant for Luke.  And then Alaric gets a grand, angsty, heroic death while Luke tries valiantly to save him rather than continue the fight.  If you remember, Gretel died in a throw-away line and afterward Luke shrugged it off.  Because fuck this book, that’s why.

Valentine runs off, and Clary and Jace chase him.  They get to a mirror which is really the portal, and then instead of going through it, THEY TALK SOME MORE.

Valentine sets the portal to go to the Wayland’s old house, and then…and then Jace just lets him go.  Just stands there and voluntarily lets him go.  The guy still has the cup, still has the ‘kill em all’ plan, and he’s now unarmed while Clary and Jace both have blades.  They just stand there and let him go.

Because…because fuck this book, that’s why. 

“Don’t.” Clary knelt down next to him, setting down the knife she’d been holding. Its presence no longer comforted her. “There wasn’t anything you could have done.”

“Yes, there was.” He was still looking down at the glass. Broken slivers of it powdered his hair. “I could have killed him.”

But he didn’t, because fuck this book, that’s why.

“We have my mom back. We have you. We have everything that matters.”

The guy who wants to basically end the world now has the thing he thinks he needs to get it done, but I have my boyfriend and my plot point, so it’s all good.

Really, fuck this book.