This chapter will start out with my thoughts on contracts and, specifically, the view of contracts in this book.  As I’ve stated before, I do not engage in BDSM, despite being open to the idea.  So my knowledge of this is just based on what one dreamer can look up on the internet, and as has been pointed out in the comments, even practitioners can have different ideas about it.

A contract is not the only way, or even the default way, to gain consent in BDSM.  Fifty Shades treats it as such.  Grey’s very first comment about being kinky is when he says he needs ‘written consent’ from Ana to sleep with her, and the only time he talks about consent after that, it’s in relation to getting her to sign the contract.  Furthermore, he doesn’t even attempt to explain anything, he just acts as if everything she needs to know will be in the contract, and therefore all she has to do is read it to be fully informed.  Because of the way this is all presented, it’s hard for me to express how much I hate this attitude.  I’m making all my comments in relation to the text, and the text is all about contracts.  So I have to stop things in order to stand up and shout “CONTRACTS ARE NOT THE END ALL, BE ALL!”

To be fair, when I talk about contracting, I do have a broad definition.  I tend to think of it as ‘anything that gets written down during negotiations,’ and I think it’s a very valuable practice, because people are more exact and precise in writing than they are in speaking.  Writing also helps (most) people remember facts, and we’re more likely to keep to written plans than we are to spoken plans.  It’s just how our brains are wired.  There are a lot of things that can be written down during negotiation, from an actual legally-worded contract document, to just someone writing down their thoughts in an attempt to make sense of them.  You can make journals or worksheets or even scripts, if you want.  All are very useful, and it depends on the preferences of the people involved which are most useful.  The bottom line is that negotiations are all about communication and doing whatever helps that communication the most.

To others, ‘contracting’ is narrowly defined as something that is phrased like a legal document, while all the rest gets called…whatever specific term that thing happens to be.  In retrospect, that seems a lot more precise, especially since Fifty Shades only talks about contracting in the legalese sense.  So from here out I’ll use ‘contracting’ in that way, and ‘writing’ for the rest of it.  I’m not sure it’ll make much difference, because as I’ve stated, the book isn’t terribly open to other forms of negotiation. 

Also, verbal communication is extremely important.  Even with the written process, negotiations should include a lot of conversing.  Again, writing is just a tool, and it’s only one tool in an arsenal of others.

In this book, however, only one tool is used – the contract.  Doing it this way is about as useful as showing someone a Terms of Use agreement and then assuming they know everything about copywrite law.  It’s simply not enough for someone totally new to the idea of BDSM.  Hell, it’s probably suspect for two veterans who are together for the first time.  This book takes something that should be very heavily negotiated and talked about (a 24/7 arrangement) and brushes over it with barely any communication passing between the two parties.  A lot of the little things in this book (the power play, the rules, the fact that he gives her orders, the directions on dress or food, the prewritten contract) are legitimate kinks that are not bad when used between two consenting, fully-informed adults.  It’s only when they are couched in this horrible mess of vague statements and dodged questions that they become iffy, which is why I scream constantly when Grey orders her to do something.  Not because it can’t be a fun kink, but because it’s not a negotiated kink.  Not for these two, not yet, anyway.

(Furthermore, a contract isn’t even a legal document.  It is not possible to sign away your right to revoke consent.  A BDSM contract might be used to show that one party or the other was informed before a session, but it can’t be used to prove that consent was present throughout.  A contract only has as much weight as the involved parties give it, because it has no legal standing.  The involved parties can, and usually do, treat it very seriously, but the courts don’t.)

Okay, on to the book!  Oh, look, the first eight pages is just a reprint of the contract that Grey gave her.  Let’s go through it and point out all the ways this would only work if they had other forms of communication to back it up.

“The fundamental purpose of this contract is to allow the Submissive to explore her sensuality and her limits safely, with due respect and regard for her needs”

Well, yes, how nice of you to finally point that out.  But Grey has no idea what her limits or her needs are because, again, they haven’t talked about any of this.  If there were something else out there that covered what she wants, this would be perfectly fine, but as is…are they just assuming Grey is going to read her mind and figure out what she wants?

Or are they just assuming that all women, everywhere, want the same thing, and since he’s ‘experienced’ he’ll be able to give it to her?  Kind of the same way they seem to be assuming that all women can be ‘made’ to enjoy submission, if partnered with the indomitable Christian Grey.

You know, even though legalese sounds like it’s being very precise, there’s usually a lot of wiggle room in it.  For instance, what does “each party agrees to be fully responsible to the other for the consequence of any breach” mean to you?  Probably something that needs to be discussed, because I can see this going one of several different ways.

The Dominant shall take responsibility for the wellbeing and the proper training, guidance, and discipline of the Submissive. He shall decide the nature of such train­ing, guidance, and discipline and the time and place of its administration

Okay, this requires a hell of a lot more explanation than just what’s in this contract.  For instance, ‘training’ in what?  In just sexual pleasure?  In her general conduct?  In how to act submissive (or his version of submissive) while in mixed company?  Is she training for sexual gratification, or for a more extended, lifestyle roleplay/power-exchange sort of thing?  Or for a limited roleplay scenario in which she’ll act a certain way while they are alone, but not all the time?  All of this is fine.  If you want to enter into a contract where you agree to let someone ‘train’ you in every aspect of your life, go for it.  It can be incredibly cathartic to let every single decision be made by someone else.  But it’s not the default.  It has to be specifically agreed to.  ‘Training’ by itself is incredibly vague.  They need to either talk about it, have a separate contract/worksheet/whatever, or have it spelled out in this document in crystal clear terms.

Submissive is to serve and obey the Dominant in all things.

This is not what I meant by ‘crystal clear terms.’

Well, at least there’s a clause that says the contract only lasts three months, after which they need to renegotiate to make sure everything’s still a-okay.  I was a little worried when they didn’t put that up by the ‘commencement date’ line, but at least it’s in there somewhere.

A lot of this isn’t bad, or all that unclear, it’s just stuff that seems like it would be surprising and confusing to a newbie.  Which, again, generally should get fixed with communication, not just left there hanging on its own to scare her.

The Submissive will make herself available to the Dominant from Friday evenings through to Sunday afternoons each week during the Term at times to be specified by the Dominant (“the Allotted Times”).

It’s not made clear if this contract only applies during “the Allotted Times” or if it’s just that she has to show up for sex then.  I guess Grey did tell her to send him any questions/concerns, but with something as intimidating as this, you’d think he would want to be on hand to go through it with her and assure her about the scary parts, so she doesn’t have time to misinterpret it.  Or, if Ana doesn’t like the thought of doing this together because she thinks she’ll just be too embarrassed to get through it, Grey should have at least offered and then been turned down.

The following service provisions have been discussed and agreed and will be ad­hered to by both parties during the Term.

The Fuck?  When were they discussed?  Ana, if a document says that you’ve ‘discussed’ something and you haven’t, that’s a Big Red Warning Flag and not something you should sign.  (Also, it strikes me as very telling.  This is something the author pulled off the internet, something that was meant to be part of an actual negotiation, and she missed the parts like this that indicate that more communication is necessary.)

The Dominant shall make the Submissive’s health and safety a priority at all times.

Why has Grey not been constantly assuring her of this the whole time?  A contract like this is very impersonal.  Having it written here is not convincing.  How many bittorent users have agreed not to share pirated music right before sharing pirated music?  This is the kind of thing that, yes, needs to be written down so that it looks concrete.  But it also needs to be said so that it sounds sincere.  If someone handed me a piece of paper that says ‘I promise not to hurt you,’ I wouldn’t believe them.  Especially since they don’t yet know what would hurt me.  Hell, I don’t yet know what would hurt me.

The Dominant may restrain, handcuff, or bind the Submissive … for extended periods of time

How long is extended?  No, really, how long is extended?  That’s a very vague word and needs to be talked about, because my definition is going to be much different from yours.  Especially with Ana, where all this is completely new, little things like this need to be defined. 

The Submissive accepts the Dominant as her master, with the understanding that she is now the property of the Dominant

Okay, so as we’ve already covered, this isn’t a legal document, and being considered property is a huge and valid kink.  BUT, this is a really scary phrase to throw at someone who is totally new, and especially at someone who isn’t even sure she wants to do this yet.  He should be talking to her about this, explaining why being a ‘slave’ can be a turn on, explaining that it’s just a fantasy with limits that will be defined, asking her if it’s something she is interested in, not just “Oh, btw, I’m totally going to own you.”

The Submissive will ensure that she procures oral contraception and ensure that she takes it as and when prescribed to prevent any pregnancy.

And if she doesn’t want to introduce extra hormones into her body, too bad so sad?  Look, I’m not saying this is a bad clause to include.  But contraception is a very personal matter, like all health matters, and should not just be flung at someone without warning.  I’d expect something like this to come up in the context of “Hey, are you on the pill?”  “No, but I was planning to do that once I became sexually active.”  “Okay, cool, I’ll write it down, then.”  Ordering someone to begin a hormone therapy is…creepy.  (I don’t know, maybe this one is all on me.  I have nothing against contraceptives in general or the pill in particular, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is a hormone therapy and a medical matter.)

The Submissive shall accept without question any and all disciplinary actions

Which is fine while in a scene, but really, this is why it’s so important to get all your questions out before starting something like this.  This contract?  Is not explaining anything to her.  It’s just saying “I’m going to do stuff and you’re not allowed to know why.”

without hesitation, enquiry or complaint.

In case you were wondering, perfectly valid alternate spelling for ‘inquire.’  Learn something new every day, I do.

Okay, there’s a long list of things in this contract that make me say “Yeah, that’s perfectly valid, but also really vague and creepy if not discussed first.”  I shall resist the temptation to pull out every single clause.

Then there’s a reprint of the rules, which were already printed in an earlier chapter, so they’re here now just to pad out the page count.  They cover – submitting to sex whenever asked, getting plenty of sleep, eating only healthy food off a list, wearing the clothes that Grey gives her, exercising four times a week, maintaining hygiene and health, not sexing up anyone else, and “The Submissive will conduct herself in a respectful and modest manner at all times.”  I’m spelling this all out to make the point that this is a very specific, short list of rules, followed by one very vague rule.  Stuff like “Get dressed and come meet my mother” is not covered, just as fuck-ton of other stuff isn’t covered, which makes it very unclear as to how much control Grey has over her life.  If he is only allowed to give her orders in regards to these specific things, then his control is limited.  If he’s allowed to give her orders about anything, that needs to be said.  Instead, we get this list of rules, and then Grey giving her orders not covered.  He’s stepping outside the bounds of the very little bit of negotiation that they’ve actually done.  That’s not BDSM.  That’s being an ass and giving orders to someone who didn’t say you could that.

Then there’s his list of hard limits, and then finally we get something where Ana is allowed to contribute.  There’s a bunch of lists of things, and she’s supposed to check off what she’s willing to do.  But again, Ana is new.  She doesn’t know what she likes, she doesn’t know what her limits are or how much pain she can tolerate.  All of this is basically useless as a three-month-long agreement, because Ana could change her mind after the first session, and she’d be perfectly right to do so. 

Okay, contract bit is over.

My head is buzzing. How can I possibly agree to all this?  And apparently it’s for my benefit, to explore my sensuality, my limits – safely – oh please! I scoff angrily.

See?  Even Ana agrees with me!  It’s too much to take in all at once without further clarification and discussion!  She doesn’t even trust Grey not to harm her, because he’s not bothering to personally explain what he does!  Uhg, this book is so bad it’s making me agree with Ana.

She spends a while going over in her head all the reasons she has problems with the contract, further highlighting the utter fail that is the Grey Negotiation.  Most of her issues wouldn’t be issues if they were just talked about and properly explained.  (And if she were actually turned on by the thought of all this, which she’s not.)

My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old. Please, let’s do this… otherwise we’ll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company.

…NO!  FUCK NO!  JUST FUCKING FUCKITY FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKNO!

A fear of ending up alone is never a good reason to engage in a BDSM relationship.  It’s, like, at the bottom of the list of the bad reasons to do this.  ANA, YOU DO NOT NEED A MAN!  YOU DO NOT NEED TO CHANGE YOUR SEXUAL IDENTITY IN ORDER TO GET A MAN!  Just…oh my god, are there even enough words to describe how much ‘fuck no’ this is?

Honest to god, this book is treated things as if “staying with Christian Grey” is the ultimate goal in life, and the very thought of just saying “eh, we’re incompatible, that’s cool” is even mentioned.  It’s a non-option.  Grey is more important than breathing, and she should change whatever she has to in order to get him.  That is so fucking sick and debasing that I don’t even know where to begin.

Also, I want to stab this inner goddess.  She’s practically a fully autonomous character at this point.  It’s like Ana has her own, much less awesome Tyler Durden.  I kind of want to shoot her and see what happens.

Am I submissive? Maybe I come across that way. Maybe I misled him in the inter­view. I’m shy, yes… but submissive? I let Kate bully me – is that the same?

No.  Fuck no.  Not at all the same.  Which Grey should have explained to you if he was any kind of decent human being.  The two concept are worlds apart.  Submissives are not people who lack a backbone, they are people who like a particular thing and have the Big Brass Genitals to go after it.

And that’s really a concept this book fails so hard on.  Submitting is an action.  It’s something that you do.  It’s not something happens to you.  There is no indication anywhere in this text of Ana or Grey understanding that.

The next morning, a package arrives for Ana.  It’s the ‘very latest’ laptop computer from Apple, so new you can’t even buy it in stores.  Except not really.  It’s a “MacBook Pro.”  Yeah, new when this book came out, but this is why it’s a bad idea to drop brand names in your novel.  As soon as that computer comes out, everyone is going to be snickering about how outdated this book is.

Oh fucking bullshit.  Ana didn’t even have an email account before this?  Nope, I’m calling total bullshit on that one.

She gets on the computer and she and Grey banter a bit over email.  It’s even duller than when they do it in person, because now I have to scroll through the header information and signature for each individual email reply.  God, those are annoying enough in actual email messages.

I race into the shower, unable to shake my face-splitting grin. He emailed me. I’m like a small, giddy child. And all the contract angst fades.

I can’t even say anything.  She’s really so child-like that she’s prioritizing any attention at all from her first crush that far above her own sexual needs, desires, and safety.  There’s just…there’s just no words.

he smiles his dazzling toothy all-Hispanic-American smile, and I can’t be an­gry with him anymore.

And apparently it’s not just Grey.  Apparently Ana figures all a guy has to do is show her any positive attention and that wipes out whatever transgressions he’s done in the past.

Do I really have to go on about how fucking disturbing this is?  About how dangerous, about how it leads to abusive, terrifying relationships?  Well, fuck it, I’m not going to.  This chapter is already too long.

Ana and Jose have lunch.  It’s stupid and I’m annoyed.

Ana and Grey email some more.  It’s stupid and I’m annoyed.

Ana find kinky porn to watch.  I’m so annoyed that I’m going to go watch kinky porn myself, just because it’s at least more entertaining than this.