Warning: there is sexual assault in this chapter.

Ana wakes up in Grey’s hotel suite and–

And no.  I have to stop already.  She’s in Grey’s hotel suite after passing out drunk in a bar.  This is wrong.  This is wrong on so very, very many levels.  1) She passed out in a bar.  I’m not sure about her city, but in many places, bars are legally required to call an ambulance for patrons that loose consciousness.  That’s why so many of them will cut you off at a certain point, or kick you out of you look like you’re about to take a nap on your table.  [Yes, I’m guilty of that one, that’s how I know.]  If she passed out in a bar – not just sat down and went to sleep, but passed out – then the bartender should have called 911.  If they didn’t, either because of local laws permitting it or Grey paying them off, then he should have called 911, or taken her to a hospital.  She didn’t just doze off because the alcohol made her drowsy.  She passed out while walking.  That’s an entirely different beast.  She needs medical attention.  2) Why is she at Grey’s hotel instead of her own room?  She’s going to be disoriented when she wakes up, at the very least.  She should be in familiar surroundings to make her feel safe.  It’s not like Grey doesn’t know where she lives.  He delivered books to her house, and her roommate was right there in the club with them, along with a lot of her friends.  3) SHE’S DRUNK, UNCONCIOUS, AND IN THE HOTEL SUITE OF A STRANGE MAN.  This is not a safe situation.  He could do anything to her in there.  He didn’t, obviously, but it still should be enough to make any normal person scared upon waking up, or to make her friends pause and think ‘hey, why is taking her to his place?’  Her friends were all there and saw her collapse.  That means that Grey had to look at them, know they could take her home, and think ‘Nah, I’m going to take her to my place where we’ll be all alone instead.’  And her friends had to either let that happen or get overruled by the guy with the money.

This is wrong.  This is so wrong that there is absolutely no facet of this situation that is in any way right.

Okay, on to the second paragraph of this chapter.

She’s pantsless.

Read point three from my last rant, but all in capslock.

I glance at the bedside table. On it is a glass of orange juice and two tablets. Advil. Control freak that he is, he thinks of everything.

Seriously, book, stop shoving this ‘control freak’ idea down our throats.  Giving someone Advil is not a sign of control-freak-ness.  It’s a nice, and frankly normal, thing to do.  You know what is a control-freak thing to do?  Taking a drunk girl back to your hotel room instead of to her home.  Why are you focusing on the wrong things?  WHY ARE YOU NOT GETTING OFFENDED AND SCARED BY THE ACTUAL CONTROLLING ACTIONS!?

Grey’s excuse for not taking her to her apartment is that he ’didn’t want to risk the leather upholstery’ in his car by taking her all the way home.  How does that even make sense?  (Also, he’s richer than god.  He can afford a good detailing service.)

“Firstly, the technology to track cell phones is available over the Internet.”

Firstly, no it’s not.  There are ways you can track phones on the internet, but they require that 1) you have a specific kind of smartphone with a specific kind of application, and 2) that you sign up for the service or turn on the application.  You can’t just pick a random person’s phone and find it without pulling some illegal shit.  Secondly, the existence of illegal technology does not mean that it’s perfectly moral for you to use it.  Crack cocaine exists, and I could probably find it somewhere on the internet.  This does not give me a free pass to buy some and then resell it to children.  Illegal shit is illegal for a reason.  (Usually)

Then Grey points out that if he hadn’t arrived, she probably would have slept with Jose.  God, is there going to be a single page where I don’t have to do numbered points?  1) Grey didn’t know what was going on before he decided to track her down, so it didn’t figure into his motivations, so it doesn’t count when talking about what an ass he is.  2) Kissing does not always lead to sex, and Jose was very drunk, and we don’t know how things would have progressed if Grey hadn’t shown up.  Maybe Ana’s shoving would have finally got through his drunk brain and he would have apologized and run off.  Maybe he wouldn’t have realized anything, but he’d have been too intoxicated to press for more.  3)  She was there with a big group of friends.  If the mere appearance of Grey was enough to run Jose off, then Kate or Travis or someone else showing up should have done the same thing.

In short: shut up, Grey.

They banter a bit, with her insisting that she would have been fine and him treating all her comments like she’s an idiot child.

After being treating like a child, Ana finally puts two and two together and realizes that she’s lusting after Grey.  For all I rail against Grey’s actions, it’s moments like these that make me think ‘Damnit, Ana, stop giving him more reasons to do that.’

Oh, good, and now we get comparisons between Grey and a white knight.  Because he rescued her, I guess.  They go on long enough that I get the feeling that this Grey = Knight theme will continue.

Grey takes a shower and comes out in a towel.  Modesty?  What’s that?  A sense of decorum?  Psh, I’m Christian Grey, there’s no way anyone would feel uncomfortable around naked-me!

Grey’s problem isn’t that he’s a control freak, it’s that he doesn’t give a shit about the thoughts, emotions, sensibilities, or desires or the people around him.

He said he likes his women sentient. He’s probably not celibate then. But he’s not made a pass at me, unlike Paul or José. I don’t understand. Does he want me?

 (He made the ‘sentient’ comment when she asked if he sexed her up while she was unconscious.)  How do those two thoughts go together?  “Oh, he likes women to be awake, and I’m awake, so why is not jumping my bones?  Woe is me!”  It’s like she really doesn’t understand the concept that people might have standards, or at least personal conditions that they place on themselves before getting into dating.  I move around a lot (yay, army) and I have a personal condition that I don’t start new relationships right before I move to a different state.  It has nothing to do with the men I meet and everything to do with me.  But she doesn’t seem to get this concept, that people actually can be in a situation where ‘it’s not you, it’s me.’

And then Ana accidently discovers masturbation while in the shower.  This girl isn’t just a virgin, she’s been completely asexual up to this point.  I want you all to remember this moment, because I’ve got the feeling it’s going to be important when the sex starts.

TMI TERRITORY.  I am a virgin.  So I take particular issue with depictions like this.  Being a virgin is very different from being asexual.  I have had sexual experimentation, both alone and with others.  I’ve never taken my pants off with a guy, but I’ve experimented.  I’ve been curious.  I’ve tried to satisfy my curiosity both academically and personally, by talking to people, reading books about sex (not just the fantasy books), and being in relationships.  I know what desire feels like and I know what gets me hot.  When I do decide to have sex, I feel like I’m as prepared as I’m going to get, and that gives me a sense of security and agency.

Ana, on the other hand, is completely sexually clueless.  She didn’t even realize that the tingle in her vag means she wants to do a guy.  She’s had no sexual curiosity, no time to experiment, no idea what her personal desires are.  She’s about as sexual as an actual child up until the day she meets Grey, and that is very, very creepy.

Grey’s lackey has bought her a new outfit, which includes lovingly-described lacey undies.  I’m now taking bets on whether or not these undies show up again when they finally have sex.

Grey mentions that Kate knows she’s here, because he texted Elliot, confirming that Kate and Elliot had sex.  And, I guess, also that none of Ana’s friends noticed as she was carried unconscious out of a club by a stranger. 

I remember her fervent dancing of the night before. All her patented moves used with maximum effect to seduce Christian’s brother no less! What’s she going to think about me being here? I’ve never stayed out before. She’s still with Elliot. She’s only done this twice before, and both times I’ve had to endure the hideous pink PJs for a week from the fallout. She’s going to think I’ve had a one-night stand too.

Oh, way to make it all about you, Ana.  She knows that her best friend doesn’t handle one-night-stands well, that she’s had a one-night-stand, and that it’s probably going to result in Kate being depressed.  And what does she focus on?  The fact that Kate’s “I don’t want to bother” PJs are ugly.  She makes it all about how annoyed she’s going to personally by while her best friend is depressed.  And then she’s worried that Kate might think Ana did the same thing.

Where is the concern for Kate’s wellbeing?  Where is the worry that Elliot might hurt her friend, or at the very least, some guilt that Ana didn’t try and stop things the night before?  It’s sympathetic to feel guilty that you let someone get hurt, especially if there wasn’t realistically anything you could have done to stop it, because guilt is a fickle beast like that.  It’s not sympathetic to feel annoyed about it.

Finally, over breakfast, Grey out-and-out states that he’s not into romance, and that’s the only reason he’s not overtly pursuing Ana.  He thinks she’s after a type of relationship that he either can’t or doesn’t want to provide, even though he’s drawn to her anyway.  That’s a reasonable argument to make.  Ana responds by asking if he’s celibate, because it apparently never occurred to her that sex and romance aren’t the same thing.  Even though she just saw Kate go have sex with a stranger.  (Sort of.)

While they banter some more, Grey (accidently?) says “I’d like to bite that lip” and for some reason this is the sexiest thing ever to Ana.  I mean, yeah, it can be, if you’re already in a sexually charged situation, but all on its own and random like that?

Ana invites him to bite away, and Grey says he won’t do so without her written consent.  Then he tells her he’ll take her to dinner the following night and show her what he means.

NO.  NO, YOU WILL NOT.  You will tell her what you mean, right now, if you have any ounce of sense. 

Ana thinks the same thing, and Grey says he won’t tell her now because it would make her run away from him.

Grey, think about what you just said.  If she finds out about your sexual practices, she’ll run.  So you’re not going to tell her about them until right before you sex her.

WHAT PART OF THIS MAKES ANY GOD DAMN SENSE AT ALL?

This is not safe, sane, and consensual.  You do not take a person you’ve only just met and throw them into kinky sex without giving them time to find out more, to consider it, to think on it, and to decide to move forward on their own.  You especially do not do this if you think they are entirely unsuited to such a lifestyle.  If he thinks that Ana wants relationship-sex and romantic-sex, and if he’s trying to stay away from her because he can’t give her that, then what’s with the 180?  If he wants her anyway, he should explain what his kinks are and give her time to decide if she wants to continue anyway.  He should also explain that he wants sex, not a relationship, and let her decide if that is something she’s okay with, too. 

Instead he’s going to string her along, reveal his kinks at the last moment, and say ‘okay, and now submit.’  THIS IS EXTREMELY MANIPULATIVE BEHAVIOR.  THERE IS NOTHING ABOUT ANY OF THIS THAT IS ANY WAY RIGHT.

But Ana is an idiot and curious, so she agrees.  Grey makes plans and tells her that he’ll pick her up from work, at which point they will fly by helicopter from Portland to Seattle for their date.  (Great, so in addition to springing kinks on her at the last minute, she’s also going to get the extra pressure from feeling stranded in Seattle if she refuses.  And also the pressure of guilt from the fact that he’s going to spend a bunch of money on her first.  Grey isn’t a control freak.  He’s just an extreme asshole.)

After breakfast, she gets ready to leave and comes out to hear Grey on his cell phone, talking about some mysterious person wanting to buy two of something and coming in from Suez.  It sounds like a hint of a plot, but the summary on Amazon made it sound like the Ana/Grey romance is the plot, so I have no idea what this is.  If people are picking up the book in the first place just to read about improbable sex, then why bother with anything else?  I shall refer to this mysterious buyer as Plot B and I shall not expect it to show up again for many, many more pages.

In the elevator on the way down WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  Grey randomly just says “Fuck the paperwork,” grabs both Ana’s hands, pushes her against the wall, yanks her hair back, and kisses the daylights out of her.

A BDSM CONTRACT IS NOT SOMETHING THERE JUST TO ANNOY YOU.  IT IS NOT A BIT OF RED TAPE THAT SOMEONE ELSE FORCES YOU TO GO THROUGH.  If you don’t want to go a contract, then don’t do one.  It’s a voluntary step.  There is no BDSM court that’s going to wag a finger at you if you skip it.

But do you know what a contract is?  It’s a tool to help two people clarify their limits and the things they do or don’t consent to.  That’s all it is.  A tool.  If you don’t want to use a hammer to drive a nail, fine, but you still have to use something else.  In short, even if you ‘fuck the paperwork,’ YOU STILL HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ELSE TO IN ORDER TO GET CONSENT.

THIS IS STRAIGHT UP SEXUAL ASSAULT.  Yeah, she wanted him to kiss her.  Yeah, she invited him to kiss her.  You know what she didn’t invite him to do?  Restrain her and pull her hair.  These are not things you get to do just because you want to.  Without consent, THIS IS AN ATTACK.

Except in Ana-land, where apparently it’s totally hot and she’s happy.  Fuck you, Ana.

And after the elevator lands, they walk out along on their merry way as if that wasn’t all just totally fucking creepy.  I need to go take a shower.