Christian drives an Audi SUV.  Between this and the tea thing, I have to honestly wonder if this book knows what ‘richer than god’ actually means.  I mean, Audi is pretty good, but how much of a fantasy is it to drive a $40K car instead of $250K one?

I touch my lips, swollen from his kiss. It definitely happened. I am a changed woman.

Uhg, I’m going to be sick, and we haven’t even gotten to the sex.  No, Ana, you’re not changed.  You’re the same idiot you always were.  You’re not even lusting any more than you already were, so I really don’t get where this line is coming from.

Grey gets a call from an employee about vague bullshit, and hangs up without saying goodbye.  Once again, Ana thinks that this makes him controlling, instead of realizing that…there’s no control involved in that.  It’s just plain old bad manners.  Not every bad thing a person can do falls under the umbrella of ‘control freak.’  Grey didn’t even make any controlling demands, just asked for some information to be emailed instead of told over the phone.  That seems like a reasonable request for a boss to make to his employee. 

I’m not entirely sure why, but this habit of brushing all his badness into one label is really unsettling me.  Maybe I’ll figure it out as we continue.

Grey takes a few more business calls using the radio speakers, not his actual phone.  (I rented a car that did that once.  Best feature ever.  I talked and talked and talked and it wasn’t at all illegal. 😛  )  Finally, Elliot calls instead of another employee.  The entire page long conversation is pointless.

Ana ask Grey to call her ‘Ana’ instead of ‘Anastasia’ and he just kind of smirks before completely ignoring her.  I kind of want to call him an ass again, but Ana won’t stop calling him Christian…

He climbs out of the car, walking with easy, long-legged grace round to my side to open the door, ever the gentleman – except perhaps in rare, precious moments in elevators.

There is no perhaps, and there is no precious.  Also, opening car doors is not something to outshine being attacked in an elevator.  No, really, it’s not.  It doesn’t even always mean he respects you.  For many people, it’s just a conditioned response.  You know what is a sign of respect?  Treating you like an adult, following your express wishes, and not attacking you in an elevator.

They get home, and apparently Grey has no problem calling Kate by the right name when asked.

Apparently Kate and Elliot are soulmates, because they’re all schmoopy before he and Grey leave again.

Compliant Kate, boy, Elliot must be good.

That’s right, folks.  Elliot fucked Kate into submission and that’s how we know he’s good.  Alright, yeah, I know she means ‘good in bed,’ but look at the words!  Look at what she’s implying!  KATE SUBMITS TO HIM AND THIS MAKES HIM GOOD.  You know, it’s very hard to burn an e-book, and this makes me sad.  (Hell, even under the intended meaning, it’s not any better.  Why not say that Kate looks worn-out, or relaxed, or sated?)

The girls giggle over the guys and reveal that they both have more dates that evening.  Ana admits that she thinks she might have sex after hers, so Kate decides that calls for a makeover.

Under Kate’s tireless and frankly intrusive instruction, my legs and underarms are shaved to perfection, my eyebrows plucked, and I am buffed all over. It has been a most unpleasant experience. But she assures me that this is what men expect these days. What else will he expect? I have to convince Kate that this is what I want to do. For some strange reason, she doesn’t trust him, maybe because he’s so stiff and formal.

Oh, yeah, let’s just go along with these beauty standards because it’s what men expect.  You know, with a little different phrasing, this wouldn’t be a bad thing.  There’s nothing wrong with wanting to look sexy and well-groomed right before a date.  But then she has to go and ruin it by pointing out that it’s all about the men and what they want.

Also, what the fuck, Kate?  In a single paragraph, she practically forces Ana to get groomed up for sex with Grey, but also thinks she shouldn’t have sex with Grey?  Why can this author not look at her own words and realize they don’t make sense?

Oh, and we have to sidetrack into a paragraph about Jose calling a lot.  Apparently this is considered conflict, because Ana is conflicted.  Just tell him he’s an ass and should piss off.  It’s not that hard.  Of course, she should be doing the same to Grey and won’t, so I don’t have high hopes.

My inner goddess glares at me, tapping her small foot impatiently. She’s been ready for this for years, and she’s ready for anything with Christian Grey

Alright, I haven’t harped on this much so far, but Ana’s inner everything is really annoying.  She has an entire freaking cast in there, and it makes no sense.  Especially this ‘goddess’ one, as it pops up out of nowhere, and there’s no context for why she even has an ‘inner goddess.’  Add to that, this practice tends to separate out a bunch of reactions and emotions from Ana herself.  Just look at it.  Ana hasn’t been ready for this, her goddess has.  Why?  What is the point?  Is it because good girls aren’t allowed to feel lust, so they have to shunt it off to the side in this ill-defined goddess persona?

God, the writing is so bad.  There’s just no way for me to explain how bad it is.  I would have to reproduce the text in its entirety just to adequately explain it.

Also, Ana will not shut up about how awesome her sexual assault was.  They even have to ride an elevator again, and apparently this is a Big Fucking Deal because it reminds Ana of previously.

Apparently Grey is going to fly a helicopter up to Seattle, because…hell, why not.  (And yet he drives and Audi…)  They meet Joe, who does the helicopter version of tossing Grey the keys.

Oh. Someone deserving of the polite treatment from Christian, perhaps he’s not an employee. I stare at the old guy in awe.

Deserving.  Deserving.  DESERVING.  Shut the fuck up, Ana.  You know what?  All those other people deserved polite treatment as well, and Grey was an ass for not giving it.  The fact that he’s polite to Joe does not mean that he’s more deserving than all those other people, it just means that for some reason Grey likes this guy better.  CHRISTIAN GREY IS NOT A LITMUS TEST FOR SELF WORTH AND I DEMAND THAT YOU STOP TREATING HIM LIKE ONE.

Ana is a fictional person, and proceeds to not listen to my demands.  Grey straps her into the helicopter seat, and apparently this author has never been in a bird before, because she seems to think it would make Ana totally immobile so that Grey can kiss her again.  1) BACK THE FUCK OFF, GREY.  2) Harness restraints would never been that tight.  It’s unsafe.

Grey says ‘over and out’ to the tower.  I’m in a bad enough mood to pick on him for it.  ‘Over’ means ‘I have stopped talking and expect a response.’  ‘Out’ means ‘I have stopped talking and do not expect a response; this conversation is done.’  Don’t ever use them together if you want to sound smart, even though so many movies do it anyway.  If this book were even a smidge better written, I’d be willing to forgive it, but I’m feeling vindictive.

They spend an hour flying to Seattle, and I spend what feels like an hour reading about Ana wondering ‘what he has in store for [her].’  Here’s a thought: ASK HIM.  Seriously, this is creepy.  She sounds nervous, not giddy or happy or like she’s anticipating what her Christmas present is going to be.  This is your first sexual encounter, flying at you at several hundred miles an hour.  ASK QUESTIONS.  STOP BLINDLY GOING ALONG JUST BECAUSE HE TELLS YOU TO.  EDUCATE YOURSELF, DAMNIT.

“You’re just so… competent.”

Ana, apparently that was the best you could come up with, and it doesn’t even fit.  Seems Grey is flattered by this anyway.

“It requires control and concentration… how could I not love it? Though, my favorite is soaring.”

I think this is going to add to his ‘control-freak-ness,’ but it seems perfectly valid to me.  It’s the same reason I like competitive shooting.  Especially if you have a high-stress job like CEO, a very controlled hobby where the outcome depends entirely on how well you can manage yourself…it’s very relaxing.

Good, god, there is a ton of Grey talking to various air traffic control towers.  It’s dull.  We get it.  You did a bare minimum of research.  Move on.

The memory of José’s attempted kiss haunts me. I’m beginning to feel a bit cruel not calling him back.

So, it’s not just that Grey is so hot that she thinks his assault is okay.  She apparently feels the same way no matter who is forcing a kiss on her without consent.

Babe, THE MAN FORCED HIMSELF ON YOU WHEN YOU WERE DRUNK.  There is no cruelty here on your part.  In fact, I wouldn’t mind if you were a little meaner about it.

They get closer (god, a heli ride is not suspenseful.  Get on with it already.) and Ana gets more and more nervous about sex.  Highlighting the reason why it’s important to TALK to someone and know them and trust them before having sex for the first time.  Losing your virginity to a man who you think might throw you out for one slip up in the bedroom?  Doesn’t strike me as a very safe-sex decision. 

Oh, right, silly me.  Ana didn’t ever decide to have sex.  Christian just told her he would ‘show her’ and she shrugged along while her goddess danced.  Well, I guess that makes this all okay, doesn’t it?  Excuse me while I go over here and gag.

After four pages of describing helicopters, we finally land.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. You know that don’t you?” His tone is so earnest, desperate even, his gray eyes impassioned. He takes me by surprise.

Well it’s about time.  Actually no, it’s a day late and dollar short, because she’s now stranded on top of your house if she says no.  Seriously, this is shit that needs to have already been talked about, especially since Ana clearly has the spine of an earthworm.

Not to mention the fact that Grey has already said that his sex is going to scare her.  He knows this, and he just doesn’t care.

“I’d never do anything I didn’t want to do, Christian.” And as I say the words, I don’t quite feel their conviction because at this moment in time – I’d probably do anything for this man seated beside me.

…Yeah, except for that bit back in Chapter Fucking One, where this whole plot got kicked off by you doing something you didn’t want to do.  And also, like, every single page since then.

Christian is hot and his penthouse is awesome.  Next.

Ana continues to dither about how rich he is while he serves her wine.  Next.

Wait, no, not next.  Go back.  He serves her wine.  Right before revealing the sexual acts that he has stated will scare her once she learns of them.  And also after knowing that she can’t hold her alcohol.

The only appropriate end for this book is if Ana sues the shit out of him, gets all his money, and runs off to Cabo.

Oh, and she turns down food.  I guess she wants to get drunk first?  Again, not a healthy reaction to facing your first sexual experience.  You really should not be scared and wanting to get drunk right before sex.

They spend about a page comparing themselves to Tess of the D’Urbervilles.  I am unimpressed.

“It seemed appropriate. I could hold you to some impossibly high ideal like Angel Clare or debase you completely like Alec D’Urberville,” he murmurs, and his gray eyes flash dark and dangerous.

“If there are only two choices, I’ll take the debasement.”

I…I just…I can’t…I honestly don’t know what to say to that.  I can’t even properly throw my hands in the air and say ‘she asked for it,’ because then I would hate myself.  I mean, the girl clearly has no idea what she’s saying, because we just spent most of a chapter listening to her talk about how she has no idea what he’s going to do to her.  (And it’s always to her, not with her.)  She can’t ‘ask for it’ if she’s uninformed.  It’s like she’s a child just parroting back something that she read in a book that’s above her grade level.

Grey apparently takes her at her word and goes to get a non-disclosure agreement, which she signs without reading.  On the one hand, he’s richer than god and has kinks.  I understand why he’s doing this.  Also, illegal acts are not covered by NDAs, and if any NDA tries to prevent you from reporting a crime, it’s automatically invalid.  So it’s not going to keep her from charging him with rape, just from tattling their consensual sex story to the media.  And Ana’s reasoning for not reading it is that she would never talk about getting her freak on, anyway, so it’s a moot point.

On the other hand, Ana didn’t read the damn thing.  She probably doesn’t realize it won’t cover illegal acts, since not many people do, and she has no idea what else is in it.  She doesn’t even know if it’s a mutual or unilateral agreement.  She may have just signed a document that says Grey can videotape their sex and sell it on a porn site if he wants, but she’s not allowed to even identify her hood-wearing-Dom.  We’ll never know, because she didn’t read.

“No, Anastasia it doesn’t. Firstly, I don’t make love. I fuck… hard.

Firstly, I can’t believe this got published.  Secondly, not all sex is created equal.  If Ana wants to ‘make love’ (what she asked if they were going to do) and gets ‘fucked hard’ instead, there’s going to be some issues in there.  These are two vastly different things.  About the only bit they share in common is the ‘Tab A in Slot B’ alignment, and maybe not even then.  Probably the easiest way to have bad sex with good people (outside of misplaced candles) is to expect one type of sex and get another.  AND THESE ARE NOT GOOD PEOPLE.

Grey, you are a bad dom.  You are a bad, bad, bad dom.  You do not take a woman who clearly expresses a desire for one kind of sex – making love – and then say ‘psh, no, I’m going to fuck you.’  That is how you make your partner unhappy.  If she wants to make love and you can’t dig down deep and do it, then DON’T HAVE SEX WITH HER.  I don’t care if she makes your little soldier stand at attention.  If you know from the outset that the sex will be bad, and if you can’t take the necessary actions to make it good, then DON’T DO IT, especially with a partner you barely know.

Granted, he could still ‘fuck hard’ if he takes the time to explain things to Ana and gets her to agree to it.  If he makes sure that she understands what ‘fuck hard’ entails, on an emotional level, when she’s expecting ‘make love.’  I seriously doubt that 1) this asshole is going to do that and that 2) that can even be accomplished in a single chapter with these characters.  If Ana weren’t sexually clueless, if she had some idea of what turned her on and what she liked and wasn’t discovering all this for the very first time, yeah, it could be done in a single chapter.  Maybe.  But as it’s set up?

No.  Just no.  No until infinity.