Warning: there is sex in this chapter.  Boring, boring vanilla sex.  *sigh*

I feel like the last comment I made in Ch 7 was cavalier and in bad taste.  I want to say right now that I did not mean to belittle anyone who has been a victim of slut-shaming.  I have been ‘othered’ by my virginity and often get asked if there’s something ‘wrong’ with me by confused people, but never has anyone made me feel like I’m dirty or a sinner or a bad person for being a virgin.  All sexual shaming is wrong, but I did not mean to imply that slut-shaming is somehow less wrong than other forms.

On to the horrible book.

“I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me,” he castigates me.

If there’s anything that can make these scenario even worse, it’s bad grammar and said bookisms.  It’s like the page itself is mocking my pain.

“The subject never came up. I’m not in the habit of revealing my sexual status to ev­eryone I meet. I mean, we hardly know each other.”

This is all true, BUT it makes no sense.  If they ‘hardly know each other’ to the point that she can’t tell him she’s a virgin, then she shouldn’t be okay with having sex with him.  If she’s comfortable enough around him to agree to sex, then she should have been able to say this before now.  It’s like this book wants to admit that they’ve only known each other a few days, but doesn’t want to admit that fact makes this entire scenario utterly fail.

“And a nice young man hasn’t swept you off your feet? I just don’t understand. You’re twenty-one, nearly twenty-two. You’re beautiful.”

Fuck you, Christian Grey.  People do not reach a certain age or beauty standard and then lose their virginity automatically.  I’m twenty-seven and beautiful.  I’m also smart and fun and a damn good cook.  Sometimes, things just don’t line up the way everyone around you thinks they should, and that’s not wrong.

“How have you avoided sex? Tell me, please.”

Okay, just fuck you to hell now.  This is the kind of question that not only assumes everyone should have sex by a certain age, but that all women have to have sex when asked for it by a man.  He’s not asking her why she’s decided not to have sex, he’s asking her how she’s avoided it.  Like sex is some contagious disease or creepy night stalker.  Women don’t decide to have sex or decide not to have sex, they either avoid it or catch it.

And she’s not even that old.  He really should not be treating a twenty-one year-old virgin as if she’s a freak of nature.

Grey finally stops yelling at her when she meekly asks him why he’s mad.  God damnit, Ana, get angry once in a while, would you?  Stand up to the bastard and tell him it’s none of his business why you are a virgin.

“We’re going to rectify the situation right now.”

“What do you mean? What situation?”

“Your situation. Ana, I’m going to make love to you, now.”

Why do you insist on making me hate you, book?  Virginity is not a ‘situation’ that needs to be ‘rectified.’  I mean, clearly she wants to  have sex with him and he knows it, so going through isn’t necessarily a bad thing (except for all the reasons I already ranted about), but it’s the word choice here that makes me fly into a rage.  He’s treating her like she’s too stupid to figure out she should have been fucked by now, so he has to come in and fix it.  And he’s the one making the decision on it, not her.  He’s the one saying ‘come on, we’re going to have sex’ instead of her saying ‘yeah, I’m a virgin, but I’d like not to be if I can do it with you.  Care to help me out?’

Why is this book so fucking bad?

Well, at least he’s agreed to ‘make love’ and not throw her into kinky sex on her first time.  Although that should have been a given for her even if she weren’t a virgin.  It would still be her first time having sex with him, and I can certainly see someone wanting to be comfortably with normal sex with their partner before moving on to the more intense stuff.  It’s not like sex is the kind of thing you do once and then you’re okay with it forever and ever.

“I can make an exception, or maybe combine the two, we’ll see. I really want to make love to you. Please, come to bed with me. I want our arrangement to work, but you really need to have some idea what you’re getting yourself into. We can start your training tonight – with the basics. This doesn’t mean I’ve come over all hearts and flowers, it’s a means to an end, but one that I want, and hopefully you do too.”

That previous paragraph I wrote?  Ignore it and replace it with inarticulate rage.

After having spent like three chapters repeating that he wants to bite her lip, Grey finally does so.  Then he takes her to his bedroom.

Ana either has a foot fetish, or else thinks Grey so sexy that she has rhapsodize about every single body part he has.

There’s an entire page spent on the fact that he’s half undressed and she’s crazy horny.  It’s surprisingly dull.  Actually, though, it’s not that bad.  It works as a foreplay scene told from the POV of a very nervous but excited woman.  It’s just the fact that she’s been talking about how hot he is and how turned on she is for dozens of pages now, and by this point, I want to hear something different.  I really don’t care about his sexy feet or her ‘down there’ sensations.  This is why it’s a bad idea to have your protagonist go on and on for the majority of the book about one subject.  It’s dull, and it takes impact away from the places where that subject needs to be the focus.

I can hardly contain the riotous feelings or is it hormones that rampage through my body.

No editor.  None at all.  Did a comma piss off this author at some point, and that’s why none of them are invited to her book now?

God, how long are they going to kiss and dry-hump?  There’s a point at which, if you’re not the one doing it, kissing becomes dull.  It’s fun in the middle of it, but from the outside, it’s just mindlessly repetitive. 

“Ah,” I groan.

Look, either groan or say ‘ah.’  It is possible to groan and produce that vowel sound, but it’s not the first one that springs to mind for most people.  Also, I really hate it when people try and spell out noises, especially if they use the ‘groan’ or ‘gasp’ or ‘scream’ verb in addition.  We know what those noises sound like.  We don’t need them spelled.

Grey then finally starts kissing other parts of her and taking her pants off.  He licks her foot after he takes her shoe off, and all I can think is ‘ew, it’s probably all sweaty and covered in sock fuzz.’  Proper hygiene is important, people.

Grey asks her to show him how she masturbates.  Did I say ask?  I meant commands.  Ana is utterly confused by this.  It’s not just that she doesn’t masturbate, so she doesn’t know how to do it for show.  It’s that she quite literally doesn’t understand the question.  I’ve already ranted about how being a virgin doesn’t mean the same as being non-sexual, and now I think I need an ‘inarticulate rage’ graphic to use in these reviews.  Except I fear we’d get to a point where I’d have a post just full of that graphic over and over.

He starts playing with her breasts, and this somehow causes Ana to orgasm.  I know some women are sensitive enough to actually achieve this, but it’s very rare, and Grey barely bats an eye at it.  He should be going ‘what, really?!?!’ not ‘yeah, that’s exactly what I expected.’

Also, who wants to bet this super-sensitivity doesn’t even get a passing mention when the BDSM shows up?

Grey gets set up to penetrate, and now we’re back to ‘fuck…hard.’  I guess making love only counts in foreplay.  Except for the fact that, you know, it doesn’t.

They have penetrative sex.  It’s pretty standard for anyone who’s read any amount of erotica before.  Kind of like watching vanilla porn.  Just the same repetitive motion for about a page.

“You are asking me if you hurt me?”

“The irony is not lost on me,” he smiles sardonically.

First, you cannot ‘smile’ a string of words.  No, really, you can’t.  Second, it’s not ironic.  There’s ‘hurt’ and then there’s hurt and a good Dom should really try and avoid the not-pleasure kind.  A masochist can (and most do) experience kinds of pain that are not considered sexy to them.  A sub who can take a cane all night long and absolutely love it might still balk at the thought of needles.  Not all pain is created equal, and he should know this.

Furthermore, he should be assuring Ana of this.  He’s still planning on going kinky with her. His answer should be along the lines of ‘yes, I’m asking because I only want you to good-hurt, not bad-hurt.’  This is just reinforcing in Ana’s head the idea that all pain is bad pain, and he wants to cause her pain.

Not that it’s going to stop her from agreeing, or else we wouldn’t have a book.

Grey asks her if she liked it, and she answers that she wants to do it again.  He takes this to mean ‘right now do it again,’ instead of in just a general sense, and doesn’t bother to get clarification.  I guess Ana doesn’t need a moment to adjust to what happened, nor does she hurt after losing her virginity, so she just rolls over when commanded so he can finger her.  Or thumb her, I guess.

Also, he’s got her pinned to the bed by laying on her back while he does this.  I’m kind of torn, because this isn’t necessarily kinky.  But coming on the heels of everything else, I feel like there should be at least some sort of comment on the fact that he’s restraining her.  An observation of it, at least.  Instead they just roll right along.

“You’re so wet, so quickly. So responsive. Oh, Anastasia, I like that. I like that a lot,” he whispers.

I’m yawning at your so-called dirty talk, Grey.

At least he remembers to get out a fresh condom for the second go, instead of leaving us to assume he used the old one twice. 

He goes at her from behind, and it’s just so god damn boring.

Honestly, I can see why the housewives love this.  If this is the first erotica someone stumbles across, it probably would be pretty enticing.  It’s safe, dull, and utterly average, but the whole time it calls itself taboo and erotically wrong.  It lets the uninitiated believe they are ‘experimenting’ without actually forcing them out of their comfort bubble.  And while there’s really nothing wrong with this concept…it’s just so god damn boring.

“I want you sore, baby,” he murmurs, and he continues his sweet, leisurely torment, backward, forward.

“Every time you move tomorrow, I want you to be reminded that I’ve been here. Only me. You are mine.”

First, why the fuck is this two paragraphs?  He isn’t even moving on to a new topic, so there’s no need to break it up.  Second, she’s already going to be sore, you idiot.  She’s having sex for the first time.  She’d probably be sore just from the booby-orgasm, just because that makes muscles that don’t usually get used go crazy. 

Uhg, and it just drags on and on until she finally orgasms again and then falls asleep.  It’s very much a ‘this and then immediately that’ situation, almost like the act of coming made her pass out.  Alright, everyone reacts different, so it’s not that unusual for a woman to just fall asleep right after.  But coming so close on the heels of what they just did, one would think a good partner would be at least a little concerned about her.

Instead, Grey gets up and goes to play the piano.  It wakes Ana up, and she thinks the music sounds lovely and sad.  We’re supposed to equate the sad music with Grey’s mood, instead of just think he’s playing sad music.  I’m sorry, but I’m not going to feel sorry for the guy just because he can pick up a particular bit of sheet music.  When – IF – he shows me he is sad or tormented, then I might consider a smidge of sympathy.  Right now?  He’s just an attractive ass playing the piano.

She asks him to come to bed and the chapter ends when they both fall asleep again.

Uhg, I kind of want a nap, too.  So, so, so bored.