We’re on the second to last chapter, and thank god, because I think I’m about to just keel over from boredom.  There is no climax to this book, guys.  In a normal story, we would be heading into our final plot action, and leaving the last chapter for falling action/wrapping up.  But no.  In this book, there is no climax.  There’s barely been a plot.  Instead, Diana and Matthew are just sitting around, waiting for the right moment to time travel.

That’s right: the ‘climax’ of this book is what any normal book would call ‘setting up.’  This is all pure rising action, but it’s happening at the end of the novel.  Nothing is going to be resolved, nothing is going to be concluded, because right when things finally start, we’re going to reach the end.

They drive in to town to get pizza.  Riveting stuff. 

The town was covered with Halloween decorations—black cats, witches on brooms, even trees decorated in orange and black eggs. In this part of the world, it wasn’t just witches who took the celebration seriously.

I…just…are we in an alternate universe where Halloween isn’t a largely secular holiday?

They both sit around and chit chat.  This feels like it’s trying to be a ‘quiet moment’ after a lot of action, but the last chapter was nothing but people saying goodbye dramatically.  Plus, oh yeah, THERE’S SUPPOSED TO BE A CLIMAX IN HERE SOMEWHERE.

Diana takes the time to point out that they still don’t have sex.  Why?  Is this supposed to be somehow important?  Does something change once they do the deed?  Because I really just don’t care.

Seriously, they are still going on and on and on and on and all they’re doing is passing out Halloween candy and I just DO NOT FUCKING CARE, WHY ARE YOU STILL GOING

YOU KNOW WHAT

FUCK IT

THIS IS BORING

HERE, HAVE SOME HALF-NAKED HOTTIES SINGING “CALL ME MAYBE.”

Half-naked hot boys.

Half-naked hot girls.

Mmmmm, I feel better.

You know it’s bad when a book is so boring that I’d rather be on youtube.

They finally get ready to timewalk, and by the way, Diana has no idea where they’re going.  Matthew has picked the time and place and gathered the three items, but he didn’t tell her because…I have no fucking clue.  I guess he just wanted to mess with her head or something.  He up and decided not to tell her, and Diana never said a naysaying word about it.

After more drawn-out backstory about Matthew’s past, we find out they’re going to England in 1590.  Diana gets all giddy asking things like “can we go here and see that and do this” like she’s a tourist on a vacation, not running for her life and desperately trying to learn powers to stave off a war.

Oh, who are we kidding, that was never actually going on anyway.

Seems Ysabeau sent along a ring for them, so Diana can wear it.  Because, reasons.  I don’t know, go watch the naked singing videos again.  They make much of the ring and then put it on her like it’s a wedding ceremony.

“So now we’re married in the eyes of vampires and according to church law.”

Don’t you need a priest and witnesses?  Because if not, then that practical joke we did after homeroom in middle school means I’ve got a husband out there somewhere.

See, this is why I can’t take the whole thing seriously.  This is what children do.

Uhg, they’re still getting ready to leave.  Changing clothes and turning off lights and saying goodbye to the house.  It’s taking forever. 

Finally Matthew tells her some extra details about his house back in 1590 so she’ll have a clearer picture, and they go off.