In the hallway outside my door, Haymitch gives my shoulder a pat and says, “You could do a lot worse, you know.”

Well, I guess if you want to get technical, he could be a murderer or som- oh, wait, right.  Well, um, he could be the kind of guy who thinks he has a right to his wife’s body and uses threats and lies to get se- oh, wait, right.  Well…um…

He could be a snake?

Everything he said was true about the Capitol’s expectations, my future with Peeta, even his last comment.

This kind of stuff is really starting to annoy me.  It’s spread beyond Katniss now and is infecting the other Author Darlings.  It’s like she’s too lazy to show us these things, so she just has the characters deliver her ultimatums and we’re supposed to roll with it.  But how does Haymich know all this?  He’s just some drunk that spends most of his time doing his damndest to ignore politics and the attitudes going on in the Capitol.  He’s been killing brain cells for 25 years.  Even if he has the smarts to predict what’s going to happen, he doesn’t have the information necessary to do so.  But here he’s made a statement, and Katniss is going to take it as gospel fact and expect the readers to do so as well.

You know who’d I believe this from?  EFFIE!  The competent and hard-working woman from the Capitol who is mired deep in everything going on there and has a good read on what’s expected and what the citizens’ attitudes are.  But she’s a girl and wears wigs, so let’s just call her stupid instead.

Feminism!

I wonder if President Snow will insist we have children.

He can insist all he wants, but unless he’s going to have the embryos medically implanted, there’s shit all he can do about it.

He could have had his choice of any woman in the district. And he chose solitude. Not solitude — that sounds too peaceful. More like solitary confinement. Was it because, having been in the arena, he knew it was better than risking the alternative?

The alternative in this case being watching your kids go into the arena.  And…what, only victors have to face that fear?  Every kid that’s gone in has had a parent face this, and yet people still keep having kids. 

Also, how weird is that.  She thinks that there’s two options here: have kids or shun all human contact.  There’s no option for friendship or a childless marriage.  (Despite the line about ‘insisting’ on kids indicating that she knows it’s possible to just not have them.  So…?)  She’s talking about this as if she’s been just so very confused about why Haymich is so fucked up, but hey, maybe it’s because of kids?

Because Katniss, little sociopath that she is, can’t think of a single other reason why someone would be fucked up from surviving the games.

But as her sister I could take her place, an option forbidden to our mother.

No, as an eligible tribute under the age of 18.  If she’d been called 3 years later, you’d be just as shit out of luck as Cynthia.

Unless you’re trying to tell me that siblings can always volunteer at whatever age, just parents can’t?

Words: they mean things!

“Doesn’t he need prepping?” I ask.

“Not the way you do,” Effie replies.

What does this mean? It means I get to spend the morning having the hair ripped off my body while Peeta sleeps in. I hadn’t thought about it much, but in the arena at least some of the boys got to keep their body hair whereas none of the girls did.

At first this looks like social commentary about how girls are expected to go through so much more for the sake of beauty than boys are, but wait a minute, this isn’t everyday beauty care here.  This is for pictures and television and all that.  Male models get waxed all the time.  They get eyebrows plucked and nails polished and all the rest.  The end result is different, but the process is still there.

Only his face remained completely smooth. Not one of the boys grew a beard, and many were old enough to. I wonder what they did to them.

See?  They go through someth-

Hey, wait a minute.  The Capitol has magic science that can stop hair from growing, but they only used it on the boys?  Why?  Because you wanted to preserve your precious commentary about waxing?

If I feel ragged, my prep team seems in worse condition, knocking back coffee and sharing brightly colored little pills.

Morning people exist.  I am one of them.  We will happily get up at any hour of the morning and start right to work.  Also, make-up people routinely have to get up earlier than everyone else, because the prep work for visual mediums takes hours, so people going into this business should either be morning people or say ‘fuck that’ early on in their careers and pick something else.

But this book doesn’t like to realize that people are individuals, when it can instead harp on “lol, decadence” and then claim that all forms of ‘decadence’ are exactly the same.

Do what? Blow my lips up like President Snow’s? Tattoo my breasts? Dye my skin magenta and implant gems in it? Cut decorative patterns in my face? Give me curved talons? Or cat’s whiskers? I saw all these things and more on the people in the Capitol. Do they really have no idea how freakish they look to the rest of us?

Book, you really don’t understand how fashions work.  The people with the power set the fashions.  We’ve pretty much made an entire advertising industry around this concept.  That’s why you’ll see lavish parties in commercials for a vodka that’s likely to be drunk out of plastic cups in the real world, or neatly ordered, huge kitchens in yogurt commercials.  We see what the people living the ideal life are doing, and then we think “I want that kitchen.  But I can’t have it, so I guess I’ll settle for the yogurt, because at least it was in the kitchen.”  Only, you know, subconsciously.

So, if the Capitol people, the guys who have all the power and the only form of visual media in the entire country, are cutting tattoos into their faces, then you should consider that a sign of power and privilege, not freakiness.  It’s okay to not want it, but the attitude here is still all wrong.

Instead, this author seems to be under the delusion that the fashions and priorities of middle class America are…what, instinctive?  intuitive?  default?  natural?  and everything that doesn’t fall in line with that is, by definition, wrong, and everyone will be able to see the wrongness.

I wonder what she thinks of all the many fashions we’ve had throughout human history.  Were those ‘freakish’ too?

At some point, the train stops. Our server reports it will not just be for a fuel stop — some part has malfunctioned and must be replaced. It will require at least an hour. This sends Effie into a state. She pulls out her schedule and begins to work out how the delay will impact every event for the rest of our lives. Finally I just can’t stand to listen to her anymore.

You’ve been given this one tour to effectively defuse a rebellion by kissing (whatever, let’s just roll with it) and yet you’re going to get mad at the person trying to keep said tour on schedule?  Right, because what does that crazy Effie pet know about what’s important?  She’s only trying to make things run smoothly in a life or death situation.  It’s not nearly as big a deal as WAXING and KISSING.

She’s hardly to blame for my current predicament. I should go back and apologize. My outburst was the height of bad manners, and manners matter deeply to her.

This makes it sound like Effie is the second coming of Emily Post and got upset that Katniss used the wrong dinner fork or something.  As if only someone with skewed priorities could possibly ever be offended at some teenage brat screaming “no one cares” at you.

If I had a bow and arrows, would I just keep going?

Judging by your last reaction to getting a bow, you’d instead turn around and murder everyone on the train.

I knew you had something with Gale. I was jealous of him before I even officially met you. And it wasn’t fair to hold you to anything that happened in the Games. I’m sorry.”

…what?

Really, book?  You want to do that?

So.  Peeta’s not sorry that he tricked her into kissy-times.  He’s not sorry that he put on that ploy without any warning or consideration for her.  No.  All he’s sorry about is that she was already ‘claimed’ by another man.  Presumably, if Gale had been Gail, then Katniss would have been fair game?

There’s just no room in that statement for Katniss to be upset with his actions and with him independently of a different relationship.  The only reason to turn down a boy is if you already have another boy that you belong to.

Feminism!

It’s true that Peeta froze me out after I confessed that my love for him during the Games was something of an act. But I don’t hold that against him. In the arena, I’d played that romance angle for all it was worth.

It’s honestly like the book just straight-up forgot that Peeta started the whole mess.  What’s going on here?  Are we supposed to believe that he actually thought that announcing his love on public television was the way to go?  Are we supposed to have the idea that he did all that without ulterior motive, without it being an intentional ploy, because he’s just naïve enough to think that’s how this whole romance deal is supposed to work?  Are we supposed to think that he ‘let it slip’ by accident?  Oh, but at the same time, he’s also a master of manipulating audiences with his words?

“Let’s start with something more basic. Isn’t it strange that I know you’d risk your life to save mine … but I don’t know what your favorite color is?” he says.

Nope.  Not at all.  It is entirely possible to go your entire life with someone and not know their favorite color.  Mostly because who the fuck cares?  And that’s presuming you even have a favorite color to begin with.

I give Effie an apology that I think is overkill but in her mind probably just manages to compensate for my breach of etiquette. To her credit, Effie accepts gra-ciously. She says it’s clear I’m under a lot of pressure. And her comments about the necessity of someone attending to the schedule only last about five minutes. Really, I’ve gotten off easily.

I hate you, book.

But this is something entirely different. Peeta has painted the Games.

So, hey, good job warning her before you take her into a maelstrom of images that have a very good chance of triggering a PTSD episode. 

“So you really hate them?”

“Yes. But they’re extraordinary. Really,” I say. And they are. But I don’t want to look at them anymore.

Or, you know, it would if Katniss weren’t such a sociopath.

Huge open fields with herds of dairy cattle grazing in them. So unlike our own heavily wooded home. We slow slightly and I think we might be coming in for another stop, when a fence rises up before us.

So…wild dairy cattle?  Herders never try to make a run for it?  Peacekeeper-cowboys?

Towering at least thirty-five feet in the air and topped with wicked coils of barbed wire, it makes ours back in District 12 look childish.

But don’t let that stop you from continuing to claim that your District is the worst for some reason.

Now the crops begin, stretched out as far as the eye can see. Men, women, and children wearing straw hats to keep off the sun straighten up, turn our way, take a moment to stretch their backs

…

Okay, so, it’s hard to tell since all she says is ‘crops.’  There certainly are plenty of things which need the human touch of many hands.  And since it’s snowing where she lives in the mountains, it could be fall/harvest time here, which would mean that pickers would be out harvesting those things that need to be done by hand.  So I guess—

“How many people do you think live here?” Peeta asks. I shake my head. In school they refer to it as a large district, that’s all. No actual figures on the population. But those kids we see on camera waiting for the reaping each year, they can’t be but a sampling of the ones who actually live here.

Nope, now we’re into stupid.

See, we have this handy thing called industrial farming.  We have massive machines that do most of the work, so that a small handful of people can manage large amounts of land.  Currently, between 2 to 3% of the population is employed in agriculture.  That includes all farming, fishing, and livestock.  In this world, the population of 11 is unfathomably large, and that doesn’t even include Districts 10 (livestock), 4 (fishing), and 9 (grain).

We know 12 has 8,000 people, and that her district is smaller than most others.  Let’s be generous and say the average district has 10,000 people.  11 is supposedly ENORMOUS, but again, we’ll be generous and say 15,000.  123,000 people total, and 45,000 people are employed in agriculture.  36.6% of the population.  Almost 15 times the number of people who currently work in that industry.  And that’s if we’re being generous.

The last time we saw anything close to those number was at the turn of the last century, back when they did not have magic science that could cross bees, wasps, and nightmares just for fun.

So now all those people out in the fields, doing god knows what to an unidentified crop, really need to be explained.  Because otherwise, it sounds like the author just thinks we still do farming 1900’s style.

Peeta and I will be introduced, the mayor of 11 will read a speech in our honor, and we’ll respond with a scripted thank-you provided by the Capitol. If a victor had any special allies among the dead tributes, it is considered good form to add a few personal comments as well. […] Fortunately, Peeta has a little something worked up, and with some slight alterations, it can count for both of us. At the end of the ceremony, we’ll be presented with some sort of plaque, and then we can withdraw to the Justice Building, where a special dinner will be served.

Book, did you seriously just spend most of a page telling me what’s about to happen, right before you once again tell me all that as it’s happening?

There’s no welcoming committee on the platform, just a squad of eight Peacekeepers who direct us into the back of an armored truck. Effie sniffs as the door clanks closed behind us. “Really, you’d think we were all criminals,” she says.

No.  That’s an armored truck.  Armor is used to stop attacks.  Unless they think that Katniss has a bomb in her skirts, there’s no reason believe that the Peacekeepers expect an attack from inside the truck.  The more obvious conclusion is that the armor is to stop an outside attack, and they think the district people will attack the tour party.

There’s loud applause, but none of the other responses we got in the Capitol, the cheers and whoops and whistles.

…yes, and?  It’s like she expected cheering and she’s surprised it’s not there.  Did she assume that everyone would be just as mindlessly happy to see her? 

Her five younger siblings, who resemble her so closely. The slight builds, the luminous brown eyes. They form a flock of small dark birds.

Book, do we need to start an animal count again?

The crowd can’t help but respond with gasps and murmurs. There is no precedent for what Peeta has done. I don’t even know if it’s legal. He probably doesn’t know, either, so he didn’t ask in case it isn’t.

Oh, yay, even more exceptionalism.

Why hasn’t this ever been done before?  They’re not the first people in the games to ever make alliances, and surely not all of those ended in backstabbing.  So are you trying to tell me that every single person before Peeta didn’t even try to give help to their partner’s families?  And if it’s not legal, then making the statement like this just makes Peeta look like he’s attention grabbing, making empty gestures just to get the praise for it, but not following through.

In fact, does Katniss ever check back on this to see if they’re getting money or not?  For all we know, the Capitol did jack all and that family with five kids is getting nothing.

The gift … it is perfect. So when I rise up on tiptoe to kiss him, it doesn’t seem forced at all.

See?  Peeta just makes a random statement, with no indication that anyone will actually put forth effort to ensure it’s followed through on, and yet he gets kisses for it.

Despite the good news about the winnings, she’s not happy. In fact, her look is reproachful. Is it because I didn’t save Rue?

Maybe it’s because she’s sure that Peeta’s just blowing smoke up her ass and doesn’t like that you’re just giving him kisses instead of actually doing something useful.  Or maybe she’s just resentful that your decision to sit around and eat fish all day is the reason her sister died, and you don’t appear to feel bad about that.

Of course, we’re not supposed to read it that way, we’re supposed to believe it really is because she wants a speech.  The young girl who lives in poverty and routinely faces starvation is more concerned about a fucking speech than she is about getting enough money for food.

Perhaps the rumors of starvation are greatly exaggerated.  It’s all I can think to explain the bullshit that keeps going on.

I remember how I took care in the arena to cover her with flowers, to make sure her loss did not go unnoticed.

…well, I remember how you were certain that they wouldn’t even show the flowers, so how does that mean that you did it to make sure she was noticed?

In fact, could we please get any sort of feedback on the past in these books?  People just do things or declare things, and there’s never any amount of follow-up.  Katniss thinks about cencorship at the time, but never bothers to tell us what made it through or not.  Perhaps the entire flower thing got cut and no one knows she did it.  We’ll never find out.

I didn’t know [Thresh], but I always respected him. For his power. For his refusal to play the Games on anyone’s terms but his own.

…where are you getting this from, Katniss?  From all appearances, he played the games exactly as they were intended to be played.

And so did you.

The crowd has fallen silent now, so silent that I wonder how they manage it. They must all be holding their breath.

So much for that worry about how Katniss is going to manage on the tour.  Not only is she actually fully capable of giving speeches, but her Mary Sue powers mean that even her bland speeches have the ability to strike a crowd silent.

But go ahead and keep on insisting that it’s Peeta who has the way with words and you’re totally a failure at it.  Sure.

It is too well executed to be spontaneous, because it happens in complete unison. […]The full impact of what I’ve done hits me. It was not intentional — I only meant to express my thanks — but I have elicited something dangerous.

Sweetie, calm down.  You didn’t do jack shit.  You gave a very bland and meaningless few words thanking the district for sending off their kids to die for you, without even a hint of regret over that fact.  More to the point, though, you just noticed that it wasn’t spontaneous.  This wasn’t in response to your speech.  This wasn’t because of anything you did.  They already had it planned.  Presumably, they would have done it even if you’d kept completely silent through the whole ceremony.

Really, honey, you are not that special.