For the first read-through, my impressions were that this chapter was A) ridiculously short and B) ridiculously boring. Something about worrying about something some dude said. Why did the author even bother making this a chapter?

   First thing, we are blugeoned with CAPSLOCK OF CHAPTER OPENING. Yes, I know it’s a way to indicate the start of a new chapter, but personally, I feel that the title “Chapter 18” already did a pretty good job of letting me know.

   “IT WAS MONDAY NIGHT. OR Tuesday morning. It was so late, it was hard to tell.”

   I’m sitting on the edge of the sit, gripped with the tension at this thrilling paragraph that’s gonna keep me awake all night. Also, the narrator needs a clock.

   Second paragraph in, we are treated to a nifty way to learn a language. “listening to a language coach speak lines in Italian to us in the hope that some of it would stick.” So does that mean that everytime I watch a movie in Spanish for shits and giggles, I’m actually learning Spanish? Sweet! State of the art teaching method right there!

   The narrator is having a hard time coming to terms that she’s a princess. The poor thing. I know that if I suddenly became a princess, I’d be devastated. I’d have to, like, spend my subjects’ money and bask in their adoration to cheer myself up or something.

   But thankfully for our poor, little narrator, she has Gregory there to help her adjust to the hardship of having her every need catered to.

   Though to be fair, she does state that her feelings about Maxom, Maxom’s feelings, and what’s between Aspen and her are more difficult issues. I’d have to agree. Personal relationship issues between oneself and a tree must be difficult to figure out. She might have to bring in an expert for that one. But if she starts having things going on between Oak and Birch, I’m afraid she’ll be out of options. And I wouldn’t even know where to begin if Maple and Spruce start looking at her funny, too.

   This is why I recommend putting character names through google and seeing what comes up first.

   “ hoped with all my heart” that I would never see that phrase again. I haven’t seen lines this bad since I tried to read a romance that one time.

   Then, bizarrely, she pulls up the covers to protect “the words from the world.” So presumably, she must be in her bedroom, which has a piano stool in it, and must have went to bed.

   Okay, look, author. adding too much about the the character is doing step by step is dull. I’m glad you know that. Nobody wants a running narrative of a character brushing their teeth. However, knowing which room of the house the character is in is nice. Heck, knowing that the character is even in a house to begin with is even nicer.

   I have the funny feeling that the only reason she needs to pull up the covers to do that is because the author wants to show off ‘clever’ wordplays. No. It doesn’t work like that. One should not perhaps paint a pastry with a pastel pallete while parleying with a pirate, a prisoner, and a priest. Making up metaphors and Mysterious Statements TM only works when they make sense.

   But given that this author wrote down the words “hoped with all my heart” and thought it was a good idea, perhaps I’m asking too much.

   Anyhow, she “dove in” to Gregory’s diary to search for wisdom. And we are promptly blugeoned with CAPLOCK OF TOO LAZY TO CHANGE THE FONT TO INDICATE AN IN-STORY LETTER. What wisdom does Gregory impart to our beloved princess? “I’m very wealthy.” Oh, sorry, he actually says, “I’M VERY WEALTHY.” I feel wiser already. He also says that anyone who sees him knows how hard he worked for his billions of dollars. Why? Is he wearing a sign? If I was the narrator, I’d want my money back.

   Luckily for her, Gregory isn’t done with his beginner’s manual on evil overlordship for dummies. He says he is going to play by the rules until he can do what he sees fit, and can properly give the people what they need without being seen as a usurper. Solid strategy. Being seen as the nice guy until it’s too late has conquered many a people. Next, our princess just needs to take a few lessons from Fidel Castro and she’ll be all set. I heard that this guy called Joseph Stalin had a few tips like that, too.

   Our heroine is unsatisfied, however. So she writes to daddy, hoping for some real advice. And so the chapter ends, leaving me bored, unsatisfied, and vaguely disturbed.

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Guest Post By:

Katherine

Kat_Mik@hotmail.com