She’d been willing to apologize to Chaol when he found her sparring with Nehemia that afternoon, but his behavior … She paced through her rooms. He had more important things to do than guard the world’s most famous criminal, did he? She didn’t enjoy being cruel, but … hadn’t he deserved it?

Just to recap on Chaol’s behavior: he didn’t want her handling a sword around a diplomatic envoy with a powerful father.  And…yeah, that’s it.  Frankly, he was even pretty diplomatic about it, and he didn’t get snippy at her until Cally started throwing her little fit.  Even after that, he was more brusque than rude.

Cally, awesome goddess of the universe that she is, has decided that he ‘deserves’ petty revenge for this.  But…later?  She doesn’t do anything about it now.

She’d already altered the hinges on all her doors so that they squealed loudly any time they opened. If someone entered her room, she’d know well in advance.

Pretty clever.  Of course, the servants should notice that they do that and try to fix them, and anyone observing her room before attacking (which should be standard practice) would know about the hinges that squeak loudly and plan around them.

And she’d managed to embed some stolen sewing needles into a bar of soap for a makeshift, miniature pike. It was better than nothing, especially if this murderer had a taste for Champion blood.

And yet she continues to ignore all the blunt objects around her that can be kept at hand.  At least put a billiards cue by the bed, like modern people keep a baseball bat.

She goes to play on the piano, also known as “that holder of many garrote strings.”  I would let this go, but she continually talks about the tiny objects that she’s turning into weapons and yet ignores this one.  If she’d just toss out a line like “can’t use that, because it would be obviously missing strings” or “can’t stand to break a piano because I like them” then we’d at least have some indication that she knows you can use piano parts.

Man, this book thinks sitting down to play piano is dramatic, guys.  She spends most of a page just sitting down and stroking it and remembering shit.  When she finally does start playing, of course she’s awesome at it, because there is nothing Cally can’t do.  It’s a fucking religious experience from how it’s described.

We switch to Dorian’s POV, and he’s outside her door listening to her.  He startles her when he starts to talk to her, and she jumps for the billiard cues.  Dorian specifically notices that she could do some damage with those, but it doesn’t concern him, nor does he seem inclined to mention that to anyone.  So it seems whoever de-weaponized her room just really was that stupid.

Didn’t Cally just get finished saying she squeaked the door hinges so that no one could sneak up on her?

They banter about for a while.

“Did Chaol give the order to kill Sven?”

“No,” he said. “My father commanded all the guards to shoot to kill if any of you tried to escape. I don’t think Chaol would ever have given that order,”

Well then he’s pretty shitty at his job, isn’t he?  A squeamishness about taking a man’s life is not a quality you want in a Captain of the Guard.  I mean, he shouldn’t be eager to do it, but he shouldn’t be hesitant to, either.

Ugh, there is just so much fucking banter in these books.  It’s so pointless.  They are honest to god talking about whether or not Chaol likes her.  Then Cally says she doesn’t want to be publically connected to Dorian.

“I’m already notorious as an assassin—I don’t particularly feel like being notorious for sharing your bed.” He choked, but she went on. “Would you like me to explain why, or is it enough for me to say that I don’t take jewels and trinkets as payment for my affection?”

He snarled. “I’m not going to debate morality with an assassin. You kill people for money, you know.”

First of all, he has a point, you kill people for money.  No, really, that is the job description of an assassin.  If you do something else, stop calling yourself an assassin.

Second, you are not notorious, you’re incognito.

Third, YOU’RE INCOGNITO!  Really.  No one knows who you are; they just know your cover story.  Cally here is saying that she’s so concerned with public opinion that she won’t even let her fake identity be called a whore.

She doesn’t give a fig about truth.  She’s not saying that she doesn’t want to be a whore.  This is a persona that will be discarded when it’s no longer useful, and yet the gossip about it as all that she cares about.

Even though she hates women that gossip and doesn’t associate with them and just insults them and intimidates them when she associates with them by accident.

I think this book is confusing assassins with ninjas.  Not even real ninjas, but the black-suit-stereotype, because real ninjas would pretend to be random peasants, too.

Cally gets mad and tries to throw him out of the room, but he’s more like “lol, it’s fun to fight with someone!”  Dorian, what little bit of Nice Guy status you had just flew out the window.  Being amused at someone else’s anger, intentionally provoking it for your own entertainment, that is a textbook Dick Move.

Yes, even if the other person is terrible.

Cally does at least call him out on that, saying she’s not going to be his “jester.”

“I don’t think you’re an adventure,” he muttered.

“Oh? The castle offers so much excitement that the presence of Adarlan’s Assassin is nothing unusual?

Stop being sarcastic, Cally.  Of course courts have a lot of excitement.  It’s only Dorian’s willful ignorance and sloth that’s making him bored.

Dorian ends up accidently asking about her past boyfriend, Sam, and then feels bad about it when she admits he’s dead.  So he leaves and wishes her luck on the test the following day.

BTW, the next test has been ‘tomorrow’ for four fucking chapters.

Then we skip directly to the new test.  She’s scaling the outer wall of the castle.  She tells us, mid climb, that it’s a race to climb up the outside, grab a flag, and get back down.

You know what, these tests are about as assassin-y as the obstacle courses on American Ninja Warrior are ninja-y.  They’re kind of cool and certainly challenging, but not really a good judge of useful skills.  Getting over a wall is nice and all, but when are you going to have to race to get over a wall?  And there are so many more efficient ways to do it.

Arobynn had forced her to stand on the ledge of his Assassin’s Keep

Have you taken to just slapping ‘assassin’ in front of stuff for shits and giggles? 

There’s a lot of detail about her climbing the wall, which is actually pretty good description and I have no objections.  Except for the part where she whines about Cain being in the lead.

One of the other competitors falls off the wall and dies.  Cally keeps climbing.  Then she notices Grave has a knife, and he’s trying to sabotage another guy by cutting through his rope.  The other guy is Nox, the cute boy, so of course Cally decides to put a stop to that.

Celaena knew she should keep moving, but something kept her rooted to the spot.

Did I say Cally decided?  Sorry.  The author decided, and then she just forced Cally into compliance.

She ends up stealing a rope from some other guy after he’d already tied it to an anchor point.

“Touch this rope and I’ll gut you,” she warned to the guy she stole it from.

Then she jumps off the ledge. 

Yeah, I’m sure the guy she just threatened is going to be sooooo scared of her.  If he messes with that rope and she falls to her death, she can’t really make good on gutting him, can she?