This review was originally written and posted in September 2019.

ALRIGHT HERE WE GO, NEW BOOK. Why American Royals? IDK, probably because I’m the mood to yell about rich people.

And no, I will not be entertaining questions or comments about how I enjoy Duke romances still, or have my own American royalty manuscript shoved under the bed. (It was REALLY REALLY BAD, OKAY? I recognize that and it will never see the light of day. I look back on my very premise for it and just CRINGE SO MUCH OMG.)

The prologue is just a couple of pages long and does this whole thing of “you know the story, you’ve heard it all your life, the story of how after the revolution George Washington was offered a crown and took it and became king.” We get….literally no other information than that, but it’s not meant to be informative, it’s just meant to be a big neon sign going YOU’RE IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE STORY, MANAGE EXPECTATIONS.

Although, I really would like a bit more backstory than that because it’s such shit. Mostly because the story about Washington being offered a crown is greatly exaggerated (it was proposed, but as a nebulous idea not a real plan and was mostly just pushed by one pro-monarchy-as-an-institution guy), but also because this set-up severely overestimates the extant monarchies’ willingness to just…accept an upstart new ‘royal’ family onto the scene. Plus, the colonies after the revolution (and for many decades after) didn’t really conceive of themselves as a cohesive whole, and the ‘state vs federal government’ had a wildly different dynamic back when things first started. A king trying to rule over all 13 states right from the start would have been…uh, contentious.

But hey, it’s a fun silly romance set in modern times, just gloss over the details. If anyone really wanted to read about setting up an AU monarchy they’d write a historical AU, not a modern one, right?

…ah, phooey, I’m right; I’m just also the kind of person who likes those details. And who gets really miffed when my AUs aren’t alternate enough. But I guess all I can really say is that I want more being different, not necessarily that it’s a bad thing to skip that kind of stuff to get to the desired set up.

I do take a lot of umbrage at the idea that NO ONE ELSE in all of Europe had their own monarchy-chopping revolutions because the US wasn’t there to set the example. That’s some pure egocentric US exceptionalism on display, and kind of gross.

Anyway, story proper opens with Beatrice, the oldest princess of America. She’s in a boring, stuffy Cabinet meeting and is very bored with all of the stuffy. She muses about missing her younger twin siblings who are off being rich and devoid of responsibilities, because of course.

Also, in this version of reality the Secret Service equivalent is called the Revere Guard. After Paul Revere? That just makes me wonder how many things this book is going to reference that are only common knowledge now because some asshole told a story about them real well. Paul Revere was one of a network of riders spreading that warning, and he only got famous because of Longfellow’s poem almost a hundred years later, and he picked Revere (probably) because he was related to him. Furthermore, the poem was written right before the start of the Civil War, and it was supposed to be motivational for the Northern states. Longfellow was a staunch abolitionist. So in this AU with a king…did South Caroline still secede in 1860? Was there still a Civil War? Slavery? Did it all happen at the same time as in our reality? Did Henry Wadsworth Longfellow even still exist to write the poem? And someone must have guarded the king for that first hundred years, so when and why did the name change after Revere got famous?

This is why AUs are so fun! But also why they are HARD TO DO WELL.

Unless you’re just here for the romance, I guess. Which most people probably are. Sigh.

Okay so back to Beatrice and the king. He thanks her for giving him a list of nominations of people to be knighted at the ball coming up soon, an annual tradition. It seems there’s a whole entire nobility class in America as well as the monarchy. And… *sigh*

Each year at the ball, the king knighted Americans for their service to the country, thereby making them lords or ladies.

But…that’s not even… KNIGHTS ARE ‘SIR’ NOT ‘LORD.’ Unless that’s something that’s different in this AU but WHY WOULD IT BE I DON’T UNDERSTAND.

Also, seriously, America’s ‘nobility’ is made of random ass commoners who were ennobled by another random ass commoner. I know that’s kind of how EVERY peerage started, but America has to be a fucking laughingstock on the international nobility stage. Talk about nouveau riche.

Anyway, the king and queen want to talk to Beatrice about her love life. Or lack thereof. Because she’s all of 21 and heaven forbid she not be looking for her future king/prince consort.

Beatrice bemoans the fact that she can’t have a normal dating life (okay) because no one wants to see their future monarch embroiled in drama (?????) and thus she’ll only be able to publically date one person and then can never break up or be visibly unhappy ever????????????????????????????

I’m sorry, did George becoming a king also somehow get rid of the paparazzi and gossip industry? What is this nonsense right here that I’m looking at?

Anyway, her parents have picked out some eligible young men who are all future “duke of (insert modern day name)” and I’m just….like…weirdly annoyed by the fact that both Texas and Boston are considered duchies????

TEXAS and Boston? Is Texas much smaller in this AU? (Was there a Texas Republic? Did America invade it? Did they….vote to join the kingdom??? SO MANY QUESTIONS)

Also, like, def go with Texas, 9.1% of the national GDP right there.

Her parents stress that they just want her to start looking, and maybe start by talking to all these nice men that are also invited to the ball, but also it’s totally her choice and no rush, but also like…c’mon already. (English princes William and Harry both got married in their mid 30s, but hey, let’s not pay attention to that. Let’s use antiquated ideas about when people should get married in this MODERN royalty AU.)

Beatrice asks what happens if she falls for someone who isn’t a future duke, and her parents are all hedgy and “uhhhhhhhh, royal spouse is really hard and also a job, it’s not just about love, like we’re not outright saying you can’t do it, buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut (please don’t).”

There’s also a lot of flapping about how they have a duty to the people and Beatrice recalls something her grandfather said on his deathbed.

In the past the monarchy existed so people could serve the monarch. Now the monarchy must serve the people.

And…this makes me so uncomfortable? The idea of noblesse oblige has been used to justify the privileges of peerage since it first began, and it’s been bullshit for exactly the same amount of time. It’s a nice idea, an ideal goal, that has no mechanism of enforcement and therefore just becomes a talking point used to shut down dissent.

But this book wants to have it’s royal cake and eat it, too, so it pushes hard on the idea of noblesse oblige as if it’s something no other monarchy has ever grappled with and that’s why it’s okay for these people to be in charge when it was maybe not so much okay in the past.

Bullshit.

Look, I consider myself a pretty fair person with a moderately okay moral compass. But if you offered me the Duchy of Texas I would be like HELL YEAH BITCHES, I’M A DUCHESS, FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS – BUILD ME A HORSE CASTLE. Which is kind of exactly why we need to NOT HAVE A SYSTEM THAT LETS ME DO THAT.

Unless… like…something just wants to give me a horse themed castle. Wouldn’t turn it down. Just saying.