Kelsea and Mace head out and immediately come across some guards, who alternate between “thanks for freeing the slaves” and “shit shit now everything is war, you are so shortsighted.” Nothing new is said on the subject, but damnit we’re going to stop and go through it all again. Because padding.

From Carlin’s descriptions, Kelsea knew that these must be Keep servants. The Keep had its housekeepers and plumbers, but it was also stuffed to bursting with unnecessary services: bartenders, hairdressers, masseuses, all of them on the Crown’s payroll

…??? This book chooses the oddest ways to cry decadence. It’s not like I mind the idea in general, but…bartenders? That’s on your list? Not even a sommelier? Bartenders do all sorts of grunt work, and if you’re going to go decadent and unnecessary why not focus in on specialists?

I’m still stuck on this, bartenders? Do you have a lot of bars in your castle? WTF bartenders? It just seems so out of place. I can’t help but imagine some mishmash medieval times themed club going on in the basement. A bartender isn’t even a specialized profession, literally anyone who pour liquid out of a bottle and into a glass can do the job. I DON’T KNOW WHY THIS ONE THING IS BOTHERING ME SO MUCH BUT IT REALLY IS.

Kelsea becomes upset at the utter waste of 20 servants.

20.

TWENTY.

She sees 20 servants in a CASTLE and, I can only assume based purely on the say-so of Carlin – a woman who hasn’t been in the court life for the past two decades– gets angry at this horrifying ‘waste’ of resources.

This is where 1) we see another downfall of infodumping, because the viewpoint character’s knowledge of these things is suspect at best and 2) I stop believing anything the text tells me. Just, straight up, the book has expended all credit with me, I am to the point of actively disbelieving the things it tells me, about 75% just out of spite. Those are maids and handymen she’s passing the halls and nothing you say can convince me otherwise.

They make it to some grand room, and much time is given over to describing how huge and imposing everything is. Then even more time is given to talking about how the people (we assume nobles) are dressed in decadent finery and lots of jewelry and elaborate hairstyles and large hats.

I presume the book expects me to find this all ridiculous, but I don’t, because have you seen historical fashions? Not only are large coifed hairstyles tame on a historical standard, but I love that stuff, it takes a lot of skill to make hair do just about anything. That’s an art, man. Just because I wouldn’t wear it out to the grocery store doesn’t mean I’m going to say it’s inappropriate for a god damned throne room. I mean, that’s a place where you want to art up your head as much as possible.

I cannot even describe how much I hate books with heroines that are all “oh, my simple style is so chic it makes everyone else look ridiculous and therefore I am awesome” as if ‘good taste’ is some sort of static concept throughout history and cultures.

Had Queen Elyssa felt equally alone in this enormous room? But Kelsea turned away from that idea, furious that any part of her mind would try to relate to her mother.

Yeah, heaven forbid we do that. Women must be either on a pedestal or completely pathetic, there is no in between.

Much description later, and we finally get to meet her uncle, who is so evil he’s literally curling his fingers through his beard.

The Regent fidgeted with the beard as Kelsea approached, wrapping it in tight coils around his index finger.

Subtle.

Also

He wore a tight-fitting purple jumpsuit that hid nothing.

Um, what? …I just…whut? That’s so far outside the aesthetic I was imagining fro this world that I just have to stop for a minute.

Kelsea suddenly knew, the knowledge coming from nowhere, that if there was an expensive vice out there, her uncle had tried it.

God, book, how many different ways can you be lazy? From the magical knowledge that takes no effort to the evil villain who’s all but doing an interpretive dance to a song title “I’M EVIL.” JFC, Dora the Explorer puts more thought into its characters than this.

Oh, and he keeps a sex slave literally chained up at his feet. This book is almost as transparently evil as it’s ridiculously cheap ‘bad guy.’

Her uncle was surrounded by his own guard, but one glance could chart the difference between a true guard and a bunch of mercenaries. Her uncle’s men wore voluminous, impractical uniforms of midnight blue, and their posture was as insolent and lazy as his.

Because when your defining characteristic is spending money like it’s going out of style, of course you’re going to skimp when it comes to personal safety and buy substandard mercenaries. Naturally.

This is so ridiculous that it almost makes me forget about the sex slave, which just seems twice as evil. Here we have all this cartoony shit being flung around, covering up what is a very serious atrocity that shouldn’t be used lightly, and I keep wanting to laugh at it but then I remember ‘god, it’s trying to use sexual violence against women as a cheap little evil token’ and that shit’s never funny.

Everything about this scene is such a disgusting heap that I’m having trouble processing it. There is nothing, not one thing, salvageable out of this entire mess.

Kelsea shows her scar on her arm and the sapphire to prove her identity and a priest comes forward when she asks, because apparently you can just walk in and say “I’m going to be crowned now.”

Her uncle announces that her mother hid the crown and it can’t be found, so Kelsea commandeers a decorative tiara from someone in the crowd. Because, remember, when people look ridiculous (by your standards) it’s okay to steal from them!

Uhg, Kelsea, these people are literally your seat of power, treating them with contempt is only going to make them either oust you or drag their feet until you can’t get anything accomplished because you spend all your time fighting your own nobles.

Oh joy, the guard she sent to go get the tiara is literally, physically fighting the woman in order to steal it from her. Your administration is going to get so much done, Kelsea.

Also I notice that nearly two whole pages were spent on what an evil, slave-keeping ball of eviliness her uncle is, but it’s the woman with the “ugly hair” who gets physically assaulted in this scene.

I kind of want to set this book on fire.

All of her guards start laughing over the assault.

Bonfire at my place. You’re all invited.

“Well, you’ve lost Lady Andrews,” Pen murmured.

“I didn’t need her,” Kelsea replied, her temples throbbing with sudden anger. “I don’t need anyone with hair like that.”

Truly a magnificent leader she’ll be. (How do you know you won’t need her? You know LITERALLY NOTHING ABOUT THAT WOMAN.)

The priest starts the ceremony, which involves reading out of a bible. Halfway through it, someone throws a knife into Kelsea’s shoulder. I can’t even tell you how little I care; frankly I’m surprised this hasn’t happened sooner.

Fighting breaks out. Kelsea notices that the nobles haven’t fled, they’re all standing around and watching the fight going on.

They were watching the fighting behind her, their eyes darting avidly between combatants.

Sport, Kelsea realized, sickened.

Could you possibly, just for one fraction of a bit of a split of a second, stop trying to make me hate people, and instead make them act like real people? Your hatred is so unrelenting that it’s exhausting, on top of making zero god damned sense. Besides, unless you plan on murdering all the nobles and replacing them with people you pluck off the street (since, apparently, that’s such a safe thing to do), Kelsea is going to have to rely on these people at some point. The dumber you make them look now, the more fucked Kelsea is later.

Women scream when they’re hurt , Barty’s voice echoed in her head. Men scream when they’re dying.

Oh my god we’re not even halfway through this book yet.

The fighting…um, ends, I guess. More peters out while the text wasn’t looking. Kelsea, though she’s losing a lot of blood, demands that the priest finish the coronation because she figures her uncle was just trying to delay things, not actually kill her.

Kelsea notices the chained up woman, who still hasn’t moved, spoken, or reacted to her surroundings at all. She’s literally a set piece for this book, to be referenced in order to set the mood but never given a role of her own. Because fuck this book.

Kelsea swears her oaths, but refuses to swear to the Church, and everyone kind of shrugs and she gets tiara-ed anyway.

After that’s done with, Kelsea tells her uncle he has a month to get out, then she places a 10,000 pound bounty on his head. Although it’s not clear if the bounty is only if he doesn’t leave, or if she wants him dead regardless and is just giving him a head start because family.

Either way, you scoff at someone for an expensive hairdo then offer up 10,000 for the sake of petty revenge? Without even glancing at your treasury yet? If you want to kill him, kill him and be done with it.

Kelsea also takes his chained woman, because once again she is just a prop to make the main character look better. Fuck this book.

The guards hurry her out of there after that and dart into a secret passage just outside the throne room and thank god that’s the end of the chapter I don’t think I could take any more.