Today we open with a bored Keep guard talking about how boring it is to guard the boring old Keep because no one tries to do anything aggressive around here. Weird. One would think that desperate people and an unpopular ruler would result in more small acts of violence. See: every dictatorship ever and their robust militaries.

This Javel dude spends an awful long time talking about the ins and outs and public perceptions of being a Gate Guard, and the whole time all I can do is snicker at “gate guard,” because…that’s a really duty in the contemporary army. And it sucks. You just sit in a little booth at the gate and check IDs as people come on. Really boring, could be performed by a trained monkey, nothing ever happens.

The army thought Gate Guard was a soft option, a refuge for those who weren’t skilled enough or brave enough to be soldiers. It wasn’t always true; across the drawbridge, directly in front of Javel, stood Vil, who’d received two commendations from Queen Elyssa after the Mort invasion and been rewarded with command of the gate. But they weren’t all Vil, and the Tear army never let them forget it.

Pffft, of course not, you’re a frikkin Gate Guard, who does gate guard duty for their whole career? JFC, you can’t be a Palace Guard or a Keep Guard or a City Guard? No, you’re a fucking Gate Guard? Weak.

There wasn’t much loyalty in the Gate Guard, but there was plenty of solidarity, a solidarity based on the understanding that none of them was perfect. They all looked the other way for Ethan’s incessant gambling, Marco’s illiteracy, and even Keller’s habit of roughing up the whores down in the Gut. But none of those problems impaired their job performance.

Uh, gambling leads to debts and debt is a weakness that can be exploited by nefarious ner-do-wells, the illiteracy would depend on what their duties are but if they receive written instructions then Marco could be deceived pretty easily, and Keller just needs to be stabbed in the face repeatedly, which would have a pretty big impact on his job performance.

Seriously, why mention that in the same breath as gambling and illiteracy? I feel like the book is trying to show this character’s slanted morals, which okay, but did you need to use violence against women to do that? I think saying “hey, we’ve got serious problems, but I can still play soldier with the big boys!” does that job well enough. If you really wanted to make an explicit problem, why not mention him extorting bribes from the already impoverished people who just need to get inside and conduct business?

More anti-church-ness, because apparently that’s evil in this world. I guess I can’t complain too much; apparently everyone with power is evil in this world, religious or secular.

and God’s Church only took men.

So…Christianity made a comeback but nuns didn’t?

So, finally, after several pages of blathering from this character we don’t care about, Mace and Kelsea show up. They…um, stand on a hill and announce Kelsea’s return in a big booming voice, the rest of the Queen’s Guard pops out of the woodwork to surround her, and Kelsea demands that the cages be opened. Considering the entire book preceding this point was “can’t let anyone find Kelsea or she’ll be killed,” this seems really stupid.

And then there’s two pages of Javel blathering about the setting and church corruption again. Um…tense? Damn this book is padded to hell and back.

A huge backstory about a guy named Thorne right before he speaks, he says one line to Kelsea (along the lines of “prove it”) and then more backstory from Javel about his slave-i-fied girlfriend. Good lord, everything about this scene is moving like molasses. Honestly, in any other book I’d be cutting out all this chaff for you guys, but that would make it sound actually interesting and I want to get across just exactly how teeth-numbingly dull everything is.

Kelsea shows off her sapphire, Thorne is like “so what,” Mace vouches for her, Kelsea says she’ll have them all killed for treason even if it’s the only thing she ever does as queen unless they open the cages. It, again, takes an absurd number of pages to get through all that, and at this point I’m skimming because I don’t even care what the fluff is.

“All of you down there! You’re part of my government, and my army! You will open the cages!”

I mean, this is just such a good way to get deposed.

And after there were several lines in the books about how you can’t just stomp around and declare things, even as a queen. It would be one thing to assume a monarchy worked this way and be consistent, but the book can’t decide if it wants to be political or if it wants this juvenile approach just for the sake of making the main character more ‘awesome.’

Anyway, that’s it, the guards just all start opening cages and letting people out.

Thorne braced both arms on the table, his voice acid. “And what of Mortmesne, then, Princess? Will you bring the Red Queen’s army down on us all?”

Javel turned back to the Queen and was relieved to find that she was simply a girl again, just a teenager with an unremarkable face and disheveled hair. His vision, if that’s what it had been, was gone. But her voice had not diminished; if anything, it was louder now, clear anger ringing across the Keep Lawn. “I haven’t named you a foreign policy adviser, Arlen Thorne. Nor have I ridden halfway across this kingdom to engage in pointless debate with a bureaucrat on my own front lawn. I consider the good of my people first and foremost in this, as in everything.”

The point sorely missing from this both times it’s come up is that…um, keeping the invading neighbors out of the country is rather important? If Mace’s infodump is accurate, this is basically an act of war, and it shouldn’t be considered that presumptuous to ask the queen “so, do I have to go fight and die for you now?” I mean, she literally has not even begun to address that very important point, then the books plays off like it’s not important by having the sadist character being the only one concerned about it.

Anyway, that’s it. A lot of shouting, several (so many) pages of Javel blathering, but it all boils down to:

“Open the cages.”

“Who are you?”
“Open the cages or I keel you.”

“Okay, but this is stupid.”

“Whatever. I’m queen. I do what I want.”

Scintillating. Honestly, I don’t think even the removal of the padding would make this scene actually interesting.

Back to Kelsea’s brain, and apparently there was some magic happening that has made her tired now. (To be fair, there was a moment where Javel was like “wow, she suddenly strikes me as very powerful and regal now,” but then it ended and nothing actually happened.)

The woman looked up, and Kelsea’s breath caught. It was the madwoman from her dream, the one who had held the destroyed child in her arms. She had the same long, dark hair and pale complexion, the same high forehead. If the woman spoke, Kelsea thought she would even recognize the voice.

But I’ve never been able to see the future, Kelsea thought, bewildered.

Um… So apparently that happened. In case you were wondering.

“The Queen requires a service corps!” Mace announced, and Kelsea jumped, refocusing her attention on the scene in front of her. “She’ll require—”

“Hold.” Kelsea held up her hand, seeing the sudden fear in the eyes of the women. Mace’s idea was a good one, but if he mishandled that fear, all the bribes in the world would be of small use.

“I will command no one into my service,” she announced firmly, attempting to look each of the four women in the eye. “However, for those who join my household, I promise that you and your loved ones will receive every protection at my disposal.

…what the fuck is going on here? Like, why is this being done right now, on the front lawn, before she’s even set foot inside her new home, without any discussion between anyone at all? Is this standard? Is Mace just all “yup, made it home, time to round up some servants now”? I just…

Because soapboxing. That’s this book’s tag line. Most of what happens is just because soapboxing. It doesn’t make any sense, it’s extraneous, it comes out of the blue, even when it could work it still manages to be inappropriate, and it’s all because the book wanted to Make A Statement about something and literally nothing else.

“Make your choice in the next minute. I can delay no longer.”

Because…the palace doesn’t have any servants? …???

Mace just magically knows that the dream lady will be “the most loyal servant you have.” Is this magical gift of his acknowledged as such, or…???? Also the woman is a DV victim, because soapboxing.

Four women go with her, along with their children, and I’m still not sure what ‘a service corps’ means. Personal maids? Because, again, castles usually have those on staff already. And literally none of the people in front of you have been vetted at all, except by Mace’s magical-not-magic.

Kelsea goes and dramatically sets the cages on fire while thinking morosely about how her mother was so terrible to have allowed all this to happen. The constant harping on “wah, disgraced mommy” is really irritating to me. The invading army was literally at the gates and about to destroy the entire country (or so we can assume, given the cartoon levels of evil their Queen displayed). There has been literally nothing so far to indicate that this deal was made as anything except a very last resort. Why is her mother branded as terrible because she couldn’t defeat the very much more powerful army?

And then we switch to Fetch, who is watching the whole debacle and just grins and nods, all while thinking about “ Poor Elyssa, who had needed most of her brains to decide which dress to wear in the morning.”

Given how universally reviled the past queen is (suddenly), it’s unfathomable that anyone would have been fanatically dedicated to keeping all her bad deeds a secret from her daughter. Like, just, what even is this? “Uhg, she was so stupid, well I guess we’d better cover that up for literally no reason, I mean it, literally no reason at all has been given for this bullshit.” NOT A SINGLE GOD DAMN ONE AND THIS IS REALLY PISSING ME OFF RIGHT NOW.