I got 4% of this bitch left, and I can’t even tell you how little I care.

Q wanders around Fillory looking for the Beast and even hires a ship to take him across the ocean to keep looking. At one point he quadruples their pay to convince them to keep going, because he’s a feckless shitbrain that showed up in this world with nothing but now has enough money to toss it around. Because, you know, no one involved in the creation of this book thinks monetary troubles are worth including.

Anyway, he finally finds the white stag/questing beast, shoots it non-fatally, and gets three wishes. (Then why is it the Questing Beast instead of the Wishing Beast?) His first two wishes – fix Penny and bring Alice back – the stag can’t fulfill, because reasons. So Q instead wishes to go home.

Q winds up in New York City again, blithely steals money from an ATM (because this fucking book) and runs into Anais who tells him shit nothing about anyone and acts like meeting him again is no big deal.

Skip to the last chapter, and Q HAS LITERALLY MAGICKED HIS WAY INTO AN OFFICE JOB WHERE HE DOES NOTHING AND GETS PAID HUGE BUCKS AND TAKES SIX WEEKS VACATION EVERY YEAR.

I hate you. I hate you so much, you shit for brains little pustule.

Q is now living without magic and has refused therapy (OH SO FINALLY SOMEONE HAS REALIZED THAT EXISTS?) and is just plodding through his life trying to be as boring as possible and basically nothing has changed from the start of this book. Nothing. Q isn’t any different. He’s just a depressed asshole who hates his life getting off easy because has connections and doing nothing to address any of his problems because he’d rather self-flagellate than engage in any actual honest reflection and hard work.

Eventually through work he meets Emily, another Brakebills graduate (the one from the story with Alice’s brother, who tried to change her appearance) and they meet up for lunch and talk about how Brakebills is awful and also isn’t life just so meaningless.

And in the final scene, Janet, Julia, and Eliot (literally) burst in through his office window and say “s’up, let’s go back to Fillory and be Kings and Queens” so Q…does.

That’s it. That’s the whole book. That’s the entire pointless mess of a pile of horrible shit.

“Life sucks and then you die and feelings are pointless and following your dreams will turn you into a monster.”

SO FUCKING DEEP, Y’ALL.