Alice and Q arrive in the Neitherlands by swimming up through a pool in the middle of a Vaguely Old city square. Alice immediately starts to beat the shit out of Q because, apparently, he slept with Janet during that ‘wild party’ last night? This book is so vague and also Q is the absolute worst.

Q tries the old, tired, bullshit excuses of “I just got confused” and Alice calls him out for being a child who hates himself and can’t even handle breaking up properly.

Alice continues to scream true shit at him, and Q continues to think ‘she is right but also, if she only understood my man-pain’ and WHY ARE YOU THE MAIN CHARACTER OF THIS BOOK Q? YOU ARE SO FUCKING DULL THAT EVEN YOUR SEX AFFAIR IS TRITE AND BORING. Do something new for once in your miserable existence.

“You know, I bet you actually thought fucking her was going to make you happy. You just go from one thing to the next, don’t you, and you think it’s going to make you happy. Brakebills didn’t. I didn’t. Did you really think Janet would? It’s just another fantasy, Quentin.”

I really like this line. It’s such a good description of depression, and in some ways, the whole of the book has been a literary manifestation of depression. Nothing matters, I don’t care about it, nothing is happening, nothing is going anywhere, I’m so bored, let’s just drop subjects when they don’t work and move on to another thing. And if exploring depression had been the point, if there had been any actual character study going on, that might have been brilliant. But it just…there’s not enough skill here to carry that off. And also it all feels accidental, not intentional, though of course I can’t say that for sure since I’m not a mind reader.

Penny shows up all excited about sharing the Neitherwhere with someone finally, and he explains that there’s an infinite number of similar Vaguely Old squares so it’s easy to get lost and forget which one takes you home again. He knows, though, because he’s been here lots and knows all the tricks. (Mark it with spray paint.)

Penny goes on explaining everything he’s learned about this place and

Quentin sat down on the top [step] and leaned his back against the rim [of the fountain]. The water looked unnaturally black, like ink. There was no point in fighting anymore. He would just sit here and listen to Penny talk.

This is supposed to be your ‘thing,’ Q, and yet still you are a boring useless lump who just sits there and lets other people do all the work.

Penny: You know you were the only friends I ever had at Brakebills?

(two pages later)

Penny: [explaining how time passes different in the Neitherwere] I spent a whole semester here once and nobody noticed.

Q: I’m sure we wouldn’t have noticed anyway.

God damnit, Q, how do only ever say the worst thing possible in any given situation? It’s like your only talent.

They start talking about going to Fillory, and Alice says they shouldn’t because it’s a highly controlled world and showing up uninvited would muck everything up.

The mere fact that Alice knew her Fillory lore cold, no hesitation, added another high-powered exponent to Quentin’s guilty, bankrupt longing for her. How could he have gotten so confused that he thought he wanted Janet instead of her?

You’ve known her for like five years at this point and never talked to her about your one and only actual interest?

How the fuck did this bland nugget manage to get TWO women to sleep with him?

Penny is unspeakably excited to be able to investigate either Fillory or infinity other worlds with the help of the magic button, and the other two are just like “meh, whatever, let’s go home instead.” Because this book is allergic to anything actually interesting happening.

Once they return, everyone else wants to go visit the Neitherwere as well, so they all take turns using the button to visit.

Q waves poetic for a while about how this will totally add purpose to their meaningless, empty lives, and his ennui is why he cheated but now with this magic button everything will be fixed, the whole world, and JESUS FUCKING CHRIST JUST GO TO A THERAPIST ALREADY.

Like, it’s actively distressing to me to have this book dwell so much on these various maladaptive thought processes and just…just go talk to someone, Lev. I’m sorry, I don’t like crossing lines into talking about the author, but it feels like this book has depression rather than this book is looking at depression. You can talk about the issue without being completely hopeless and flaccid and pointless yourself.

Also if this fucking button actually fixes anything I’m going to break something.

Everyone decides ‘this’ is a pressing issue (???? What issue, it’s cool I’ll grant you that, but what ISSUE?) and they head off to a borrowed farmhouse upstate to continue doing experiments. The house is all fancy and updated and has comfy beds and big screen TVs, because heaven forbid any of these spoiled rich kids need to endure any actual discomfort. That might disrupt their precious ennui and prompt some genuine self-reflection.

The group all starts making plans about what to pack with them into Fillory, and then comes the obvious question: What do we do when we get there? Penny basically says “IDK, someone will give us a quest once we show up.”

Clearly this is what Q means when he says Fillory will ‘fix’ everything. The fact that you can show up as a human and just be handed a purpose and meaning in life, instead of having to find that on your own. Which, I will admit, sounds really nice. But also I am at least capable of recognizing that not the entire fucking universe has that same problem, whereas in this book apparently everyone is on the same page with this regard.

And also, like, just because the Neitherwhere is real doesn’t necessarily follow that all of the story elements from the CHILDREN’S BOOKS are the same, too? In the last chapter Penny was totally on board with “I think the stories were fiction, but the world mechanics are real” theory, and now he’s totally shifted to “Nope, those things really happened and it’ll happen the same way for us.”

Just…develop a goal. A single, solitary goal. I’m begging you. “What do we do in Fillory?” “Explore and catalogue. Make contact with a resident. Come home again after X time, review our notes, and develop a further plan.” IT’S NOT THAT HARD.

Oh, also, Q is claiming that Janet ‘sabotaged’ him and Alice on purpose. Just fucking stop already, Q.

The group muses about being made Kings and Queens, like the kids in the FICTION BOOKS FOR CHILDREN were. And they talk about all the money and perks that would come from that. Of course the rich, layabout trust fund babies try to think of a purpose in life and all they come up with is “being even more rich and important while not actually doing anything to deserve it.”

Eat the fucking rich.

Also, they decide to learn some attack spells, just in case. Because, you know. Darker and edgier.

Also also, Alice sleeps with Penny and Q catches them at it, then goes on a Very Manly Rampage destroying all of Penny’s stuff. I find I just don’t care about Q’s Very Manly Manpain because, UGH. There’s only so many times this whiny blob of nothing can deliver Excuses 101 lines before I lose all interest in his pathetic little crisis.

You blew it, and Alice was always too good for you anyway. She’s single now, and fucking the only person in the house who ever shows any hint of actual engagement and excitement. Seems like a fair pairing to me. Makes much more sense than Q and Alice.

Q feels so much Manpain over all this that he decides fuck it, let’s all go to Fillory RIGHT NOW!