So the group goes into the random bar that they found and sits to have some beer. Which…IDK, seems kinda risky, didn’t you go on last chapter about how every flippin thing in this world is so different and magical and wondrous? But you’ll just ingest any random thing you found in a bar patronized by WALKING TREES?

If he’d been training for anything since he left Brakebills, it was this.

I mean…he’s not wrong.

[describing the barman] and he slowly polished a pint glass with a white cloth in the manner of bartenders since time immemorial.

…did you get all of your information from movies? Because it feels like you got all of your information from movies.

There’s also a family of people silently sitting still and doing nothing, and a bear in a waistcoat that might be asleep.

Q, possibly-magically-tipsy and pissed that Fillory is no more quick-fix than ANYTHING ELSE IN HIS LIFE HAS EVER BEEN, decides he wants to go talk to the bear. Not any of the human looking folks, including the bartender that has already interacted with them. Nope. The bear. Because he’s still convinced that this is a storybook and the ‘clues’ must by necessity all line up for them and lead them to…fuck all of I know.

Literally, there is no goal in this whole book. None of these characters are working towards anything. They just wander around doing things, except now they’re wandering and doing with a random, foundationless sense of urgency.

I’ve read first drafts with more sense of pacing and clarity than this book.

The bear is named Humbledrum, and they talk to it, and it’s a very dull bear. He only wants to talk about honey and caves, and SERIOUSLY DO YOU GET ALL OF YOUR INFO FROM MOVIES WHY WOULD THE BEAR TALK SO MUCH ABOUT HONEY? They’re omnivores, they’ll eat anything, but Humbledrum apparently really does live in a children’s book because nope, it’s just honey.

The tree they followed comes to sit at their table, introduces itself as Farvel, and says ‘sup, nerds, what if you want?’

He tells them that the Watcherwoman is back (she was killed in the books, but you know witches, never staying dead for long) and the only hope to stop her is to have Kings and Queens again, and the group could achieve that by going to Ember’s Tomb and finding Martin’s silver crown.

And all through this Q because absolutely despondant because things aren’t just exactly like he wants them to be…because Penny dared show some interest in Farvel’s conversation and ask a question. Literally, that’s it. Penny talks, and all of a sudden it’s woe is me, why am I not the protagonist.

Also the group is paying for things with literal bars of gold that they brought from earth. Small ones, but still, fuck these richies. Book wants to be so fucking grown but can’t see past sex and booze to make that happen, can’t figure out that learning how to pay for things is pretty grown.

And also, maybe, like, planning and self reflection and working together and having to forge your own way are also all kind of grown things that maybe would make this less of an absolute children’s tale. But then we might have to get away from the Only Great Problem in the World: Ennui.

The next morning two people – Dint and Fen – just…show up and say ‘yo, we are guiding you to the Tomb.’

So engaging. Much fun. Very interest.

Fen’s description includes With a whistle around her neck she could have been a gym teacher at a private school for girls. But, see, she’s a woman so she couldn’t be a gym teacher at a co-ed school. Nope. Clearly my entire middle school with a woman gym teacher was a lie. (She had a pet ferret and would bring him out during class all the time. We hated her, but the ferret was cool.)

(It didn’t talk, though. Alas.)

Also, Q is still mad about Alice moving on from him, calls her despoiled, and plans to murder Penny. So, you know, same little shit as ever.

Richard declares that he’s not going on the quest, he’s staying at the inn, and also that everyone else is making a mistake. Because reasons. IDK, maybe the book finally realized that this group is kind of large and unwieldy and most of these characters have no purpose so it’s just going to start dropping people.

It takes a single day of walking to get to the Tomb, and nothing happens the whole time except some blathering. Just…wow. Much fun. Very interest. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.